wild_terrain | The Beacon; My Siren

Title: The Beacon; My Siren
Author: wild_terrain (ie. fi_chan)
Banner (Made beautifully by love_cassiopeia):

Chapter: [28/ ?]
Rating: MA15+
Genre: AU [FLANGST, mystery, spirituality, romance]
Summary: Philophobia… The fear of falling in love or being in love. I didn’t know such a thing existed until I met him… Kim JaeJoong was my age—a youthful 25 years—and the owner of a popular café, yet he was already known around town as the mysterious hermit who had chosen to completely withdraw from the world. How on earth could someone so young be afraid of loving others to the point of secluding themselves from all human beings? What was he afraid of? What was he hiding? I just didn’t understand it. And by that stage, the need to understand it was all I could think about... In fact, he was all I could think about…

Jung Yunho… For all of my life I had grown up away from the limelight. I couldn’t stand being noticed by anybody, and for a long time I thankfully never was. But then you came and suddenly you were everywhere – waving to me as I swept the café after closing, saying hello to me as you cycled past the bench I was sitting on, helping me carry my groceries inside whilst talking non-stop to me as if we were actually friends… Why are you always around making my heart thump erratically? Why do you even care? The more you try to explore this town, the more I need to step up and protect you from your own curiosity, because I know It is out there and I know It wants to harm you…

Trailer: CLICK TO WATCH~~

Beta = moon1084 <3

A/N: Errrm... Well, here is the update as promised. ^^ But I really, really urge you to please be careful when reading because this chapter may contain some elements that are alarming or disturbing to some.

“Yunho, I hate to cut into your lunch break later, but could I have a quick chat with you then in my office?”

It was never a good sign when your boss came to personally seek you out by your post. For the next ten minutes, I spent my time torn between concentrating on the boy climbing the wall and trying to think back on anything I could have done wrong recently.

When the boy was done slowly descending the wall, he smiled at me as I helped unhook him and then he thanked me cheerfully. He was a sweet kid but as soon as he scampered off to his next activity, I felt my smile fade. I had been working here for so long that I had almost forgotten what feeling nervous at work felt like.

I walked past the private staff area where I should have been digging through my bag for water and a crappily made sandwich. Instead, I pushed open the thick dark blue STAFF ONLY door and climbed the stairs to get to my boss’ office. The see-through glass wall greeted me and I looked through it at my boss who was writing something down at his desk. His door was open but I knocked on it anyway.

“Yes, just come in, Yunho,” he smiled at me.

I stepped in slowly and started to close the door.

“Oh, that isn’t necessary,” he chuckled. “Just come sit down.” I did what I was told. “I’ve just got a tiny proposition for you. I’ve just been informed that my wife’s friend is coming up here towards the end of next week. Their kids may very well be angels in my wife’s mind but I happen to know they are quite…high maintenance,” he grimaced briefly and I smiled politely. This conversation seemed a little irrelevant to me so I guessed I wasn’t going to be chastised at least.

“Thing is, this friend is thinking about doing a spread on us in a magazine. While they are up here, they’ll be coming to check this place out. While I show them all the ins and outs and best aspects of the place, I was hoping that maybe you could…entertain their children. Help them test out the equipment with a firm but fun attitude. We have wonderful staff here that I am very happy with, but I think you above all have the charisma needed to pull this off. Would you mind helping me out with it?”

“Oh… Of course, sir.”

“Thank you so much, Yunho. I won’t cut any further into your lunch break but we can have a proper debrief on this after the weekend.”

“That’s fine, sir.”

“Yunho, there’s one more thing.” I looked up nervously. “I was meaning to offer you this regardless of whether you were able to do my favor or not, but would you be interested in taking the weekend off?”

“Pardon, sir?” I tried to ignore the rush of emotion bubbling up inside my chest.

“With the increase of patrons coming in during this peak, everyone’s been working their maximum weekly hours and occasionally even more. It’s been a while since you’ve had even one day of the weekend off if I remember right. I feel bad. You’re a good kid and I don’t want to exhaust you out. So if you want it, this upcoming weekend is all yours.”

“Sir… That would be…”

“Great?”

I smiled. “No, brilliant.”

“Good,” he smiled back. “Don’t you worry about a thing then.”

“Are you sure that’s okay though? I’m scheduled in for Monday—Thursday this week…” I wanted to kick myself hard for even reminding him of that.

“Not working Friday? Looks like a long weekend then. Not bad,” he chuckled.

“Not bad,” I agreed, trying not to start jumping up and down.

“Use it well then.”

“I can already promise you that I will.”

“See you on Monday for the debriefing then. I’ll count it as part of your shift so no need to fret about organizing new times.”

“I look forward to it, sir.”

“Liar.”

I laughed and gave him a quick bow as I stood up. My stomach was growling as I climbed back down the stairs but I didn’t care because soon it was going to be filled with JaeJoong’s cookies.

I spent the rest of my lunch break stuffing my crap sandwich down my throat and wondering when I’d have time to tell him the good news. It was going to be so much easier to communicate when he got the phone I’d bought him.

I’d have to pack as soon as I got home and run down to an ATM so I could have enough cash to even buy a train ticket. Talking to JaeJoong on the phone at night would take up hours. The minute I heard his soft voice in my ear, I couldn’t tear myself away from it. I’d never get to sleep and I wanted to get the early train on Friday.

I took a long swig from my water bottle and when I was done I had a big grin on my face. I wouldn’t call him tonight. Instead, I’d have two surprises for him, and I couldn’t wait to see his face when I gave them to him.

I woke up Friday morning feeling ready—ready to try and push through my fear and disgust of the ocean.

Actually no, not ‘try’—I was going to push through that fear. By the end of the day I was going to be standing waist-deep in water. I wouldn’t have Yunho here to help me and encourage me, but if I accomplished this by myself, it would be even better because I could surprise Yunho with it and feel a double dose of happiness.

I wandered out of bed still in my pajamas and pulled back the curtains. Changmin had been right about the weather closing in. It was still really early in the morning before the sun had risen but already I could see clouds blocking the natural light of the moon and sun. That wasn’t necessarily bad though, that could actually work in my favor. It meant less people would be at the beach—if any—and I’d have privacy to do the things I needed to do. An audience would make me too self-conscious and I’d definitely chicken out. Besides, most people in town who knew of me knew I never wanted anything to do with beaches—I’d draw too much attention to myself or one, become a bit of a spectacle, and then I’d be too highly aware of that to accomplish anything.

As I unlocked the café doors for my morning staff, I stared out at the sky again from the huge glass windows of the café. Good cloud cover, I cooed to it, nice cloud cover, stay like that for Uncle JaeJoong!

The café filled up with the usual morning crowd and I listened to cutlery clinking against plates and tabletops from my bed. I was fully dressed in my beach gear—which for me was just an old t-shirt, a black jumper and an even older pair of black shorts. The last time I had worn those shorts, I had probably been in my earlier twenties—maybe even late teens. My legs were probably going to freeze in them in the water, but I figured it would be more comfy than a pair of wet jeans or trousers clinging to me.

I was all set. Problem was I couldn’t move. My bedroom was so warm…and safe. If I stayed here all day instead, I could lie in bed and draw and not have to worry about my heart beating irregularly from anxiety. Oh god, what if I was so nervous I peed in the sea?

I shook my head to get the jitters out.

I really couldn’t just stay in this room, regardless of the peeing threat. If safe meant living in a bubble, then that wouldn’t do. How many times had Yunho tried to show me that being scared of fear even in a bubble was a trap and anything but liberating? I’d already popped one bubble going to the city and if I popped the next bubble, I’d be even more free until eventually I burst through all of them.

I stood up from my bed and clenched my fists. I was ready. Kim JaeJoong was going to pop a bubble today and he was going to pop it good.

Wait till you see me, Yunho…

I woke up on the gently rocking train when it was roughly twenty minutes away from JaeJoong’s station. There was a small patch of drool on my shoulder and I quickly moved my head away from it and did a quick scan of the carriage. No one was looking at me odd, so that was lucky. There was just something about these trains and me falling asleep…

I looked out the window and smiled. It wasn’t long now. I had JaeJoong’s phone packed snuggly in my bag and soon I’d be getting snuggly with its new owner.

I practically ran all the way from the station to Café JaDe, but when I waved to Yoochun and jogged up the stairs, I found JaeJoong’s room empty. I put my bag down on the floor with a pout. His bed was made as always but this time there was a dent in the neat duvet from where he’d been sitting. Such a cute dent from such a cute bum.

I grinned and retraced my steps back down to the café.

“Couldn’t find what you were looking for, Handsome?”

I turned to look at Yoochun and laughed. “Precisely. Where is he?”

“He went out a little while ago. Probably to the park to get his daily coffee. Why pay someone else when he can get it for free here?”

“But that’s no fun,” I winked. “I’ll go find him. Thanks, Chunnie.”

“Have fun,” he called out after me and I gave him a small wave over my shoulder as I pulled the door back open.

A trip to the park proved unsuccessful too. Changmin wasn’t at his father’s food stand, probably studying. Standing by the empty stand felt lonely. The wind was cold too. I hadn’t really paid much attention to the weather when I got here, but it was pretty gloomy today. The weather seemed to be warming up a fraction these days, but trees still weren’t quite ready to shake off winter. It had been cold back home for me too but the sun had still been out at least. I’d been enjoying the increasing number of blue skies, looking forward to the start of spring, but up here it was just miserable.

“Where are you, JaeJoong? You need to warm me up,” I softly sang, burying my hands in my pockets and walking back up the cycle track. Not a soul was around. It was a bit creepy.

I passed by one of the beaches I used to frequent with HyunAe and Junsu and then Jaejoong, and stopped to look through the bushes. The water was purring quietly. It was quite alluring. I could understand why the folktale of the sirens had come about. “I hear you, my pretties,” I said and then chuckled. My overactive imagination made a good point though; I couldn’t see the harm of taking a stroll along the water back to the café. I hadn’t seen this beach for ages and it held some pretty nice memories—like the time Jaejoong had clung to me in the water, scared but exhilarated. God, I wanted him to cling to me now so that I could hug him tight again and warm up.

A sigh escaped me. Patience, Yunho, patience. Learn it and live it.

I walked down the sandy stairs and jumped onto the sand. That act alone had probably already sent thousands of grains of sand slipping into my shoes. I’m so hopeless, I thought with a smile.

The day looked even duller from the beach. The sea had lost its sparkling deep blue glow and everything just felt…dark. It was good that I hadn’t come up all the way for a swim but to see JaeJoong. It would still be some time before people flooded the beach again, ready to bask in the sun. Looking around, I was indeed the only one there.

I took a few steps forward and then stopped to take off my shoes and socks. I didn’t come to the beach often but when I did I liked to feel the sand with my bare feet. It was easier to walk on sand with my shoes off anyway.

When I straightened back up with my shoes in my hand, I felt a little lightheaded. I wasn’t one to feel dizzy easily and blinked in surprise. The little hairs on the back of my neck stood up, and beneath my jacket I could have sworn the ones on my arms did the same thing. Something just wasn’t right.

I turned around to look behind me but there was no one there. Had I expected there to be? I looked down at the sand but only my own footprints looked new. I could have sworn someone had been there with me.

I blinked a few more times and started walking slowly away from that spot. Something dark moved in front of me and I almost stopped in my tracks but it was just a man far down the other end of the beach walking a small dog.

I almost laughed out loud at my jitteriness but as I continued walking down the beach, I realized the lightheaded feeling was still there. I started jogging without thinking, watching the man with this dog slowly getting closer. For murky reasons I couldn’t quite explain, I just needed to get to that end of the beach.

As I jogged, something new caught my eye. Something black by the water. It was too solid-looking to be seaweed. Driftwood? The déjà vu of that thought made my body jolt back a bit. I had seen this before; definitely felt it before.

A troubled grey sky, blue eyes behind me pointing to that end of the beach, something dark in the water…

My shoes dropped from my hands as it all came back to me and I bolted forward. I was glad to be free of my shoes, it was so much easier to run in bare feet across the dips and bumps of the cool sand.

The black thing near the water never left my sight as I ran towards it. A wave reached out and pushed it forward over the sand. That’s when I realized it hadn’t been what I’d thought it was. It was a jacket or something. A jacket that had been dumped too close to the ever moving tide.

I slowed down a bit as relief and confusion clouded my head. Why would someone leave their jacket behind? It looked like it had been there a fair while. It was nice and soggy now but there must have been a time when it was once on dry sand in a lower tide.

My anxiety didn’t diffuse as my head tried to rationally work everything out. I would not have had reoccurring nightmares over a wet jacket. This was just the opening scene.

I drew a diagonal line with my eyes from the wet clothing into the water and stopped at a black dot. A bobbing buoy far out. No, not a buoy—a person! They were so far out I hadn’t noticed them until I had stopped jogging and let my eyes focus properly. What kind of crazy person would go so far out during winter? Were they in a trance? Were one of the sirens calling out their name or something? I had just been joking about that folktale…

The man’s dog started barking. And barking, and barking. He sounded frantic. The hairs on my neck stood up again. This felt like a dream but it wasn’t a dream. Something was wrong and my muscles were poised, waiting on alert for…something.

That something didn’t take long to happen.

The person in the water grew taller. They must have been crouching before and something made them spring to their full height and take a step back. To have water only coming up to their elbow so far out was impossible—unless they were standing on a sandbar.

A sandbar? I felt myself tensing up. I did not like sandbars.

The person jolted sideways as if they had been hit by something. Their loss of balance looked too sudden and violent to be from a current. The way they fell forward instead of backwards meant it wasn’t the work of a wave either. What the hell!

I was running down the rest of the beach before the person had even finished falling, before the vacuum beneath their feet finished pulling them under the waves completely.

The sandbar the fucking idiot had been standing on had collapsed under his feet, pulling him down into meters of deep water. It that guy couldn’t swim or panicked too much, I knew in my gut that he’d die today.

The dog barked louder but the pounding of my heart and the strong breeze roaring against my ears muffled the sound. I didn’t stop to think as I threw off my jacket and bolted further down the beach. I could see the white flash of an arm occasionally visible in the waves but it was the only part of his body resurfacing. The man was on the verge of drowning.

JaeJoong, I realized with my heart slamming against my ribcage, was drowning. And I was still so far away.

The wind was against me, pushing me back instead of urging me forward. The only good thing about that was it sent the cloud of sand my feet kicked up behind me and not into my face as I ran.

And then I saw it. A gaping big hole in front of me in the sand. Some child must have dug it out and not filled it up again when they found it too cold to swim. I only knew it was there because my body had already seen this countless times before in my dreams. It knew before I did not to keep running forward. I could not fall in and waste time getting my momentum back—seconds were the difference between failing and succeeding.

I hurriedly ran around it, not even tripping over my feet as I did so. I knew that if I had fallen in, a part of me would have died in that empty tomb of sand. I would forever have been stuck in this nightmare.

The man walking his dog had stopped in his tracks. Between my frantic running and his dog’s incessant barking, he had finally noticed something was wrong. I pulled out my phone from my jeans pocket, unlocked it and flung it at him.

“Dial 113 and hit the green button,” I yelled. “Get an ambulance, now!”

Without stopping to look over my shoulder to see if he could even figure out how to use my phone, I ran into the water, ignoring the freezing temperature that bit into me. The waves were a pain in the ass, working against me not with me, just like the wind had done. They could try and push me away all they liked but I was going to get to him.

The sandbar was still intact for a long distance but it was faster for me to dive under the waves and avoid some of the impact that kept trying to push me back. I would use all of my limbs to get to him, not just rely on my legs on unstable sand.

The salty water stung my eyes as I tried to see even a shadow of a human body in the water around me. A quick tap of my toe below me told me I was still swimming over the sandbar. How much further to get to where it had collapsed?

And then what? I was not a scientist; I did not know my physics. How the hell would I be able to figure out where the current had dragged his body? No! I was going to get to him before he was just a body, god-fucking-dammit!

I came up for air, breathing oxygen in and negative thoughts out. I was going to fucking find him before his lungs completely filled up with water. There was only one of me and miles of water, but I was going to do it. There was just no alternative to that. Nothing else was acceptable.

My eyes stung with more salt and frustrated tears. It hadn’t been that long since he’d started to go under so why couldn’t I see him anywhere? There was nothing in front of me but dark water and my angry arms propelling through it. But there was also no sand in clear sight either and that meant I‘d finally reached the place he should have been near. Why had I stopped to look at his fucking jacket? Why had I not run into the water the moment I felt déjà vu? I could have reached him before he fell into the meters of rough water that felt more and more like a black hole.

I came up for air again, my lungs starting to burn even more than my eyes, but went straight back down again. Something white glimmered in the dark water to my right and I found a hand. I grabbed onto the wrist before it could get away from me. Kicking to get lower, I wrapped an arm around his chest. He was heavy. He was so damn heavy. The boy I could piggyback and lift up without breaking a sweat was making my arms burn and I hadn’t even reached the surface. The days and days of weight lifting training I had put myself through at the gym finally had meaning.

My biceps and triceps ached as I clutched at his petite waist and dragged him up onto the unstable sandbar. I couldn’t swim with him all the way back when he was a dea— when he was so heavy. I’d have to drag him back through meters and meters of waist-deep water. And drag I did. I borrowed the waves’ power and let them push me quicker to shore with JaeJoong trailing behind me on his back.

I tried not to look down and see his limp head falling back under the water every now and then. I had my arm wrapped around his chest but instead of floating beside me, his heels dragged through the sand and occasionally held me up. His arms were like two horizontal sticks. It was like the guy had been crucified on an invisible cross and no matter how hard I tried not to look, the image still burned me.

The water’s getting shallower and it’s nearly dry land, my mind screamed at me. Just walk and don’t fucking look down!

I was three meters from escaping the water when the man with the dog ran in to grab JaeJoong’s legs. His dog ran in after him, barking more and more and dragging his leash near our feet. The man cursed, trying not to trip on the end of it but my mind was elsewhere with different fears.

Between the two of us, we pulled him out of the water faster, past the slightly foaming tide, past the wet sand and lay him down on the closest dry patch. This time I had no choice but to look at him, the person I couldn’t give a name to because that required emotions and memories.

At this point, it was too hard to let any term of endearment and familiarity for the thing below me escape my lips. Porcelain white skin was not so much white now as translucent. There was no ivory or blush but shades of blue. I felt for a pulse by his neck anyway despite already knowing the answer. And there was water. So much water. It flowed from his unmoving, blue-tinted lips in an almost constant stream. He was not conscious—far from it, but it kept coming out all the same. How could I even try to give him my breath if his throat was filled with water? It felt like nothing was going right. The wind hated me, the water hated me, my muscles hated me, and JaeJoong’s body hated me.

I turned him onto his side to try and clear his airway faster. The murky fluid of water mixed with vomit gushed quicker down his chin and cheeks.

The man with the dog stared transfixed at the blue wreck in front of us, his eyes bulging out and his body shaking. He was speechless, save for the few garbled words that came out—something about the ambulance coming.

But the ambulance wasn’t here. And he had been dead for minutes. A whole bunch of meaningless minutes.

Anger overcame me and I rolled him back onto his back, tipped his head back and made sure nothing else blocked his airway. I pinched his nose closed and bent down. It was the most horrific open-mouthed kiss I had ever given anyone. He felt as stiff and unresponsive as the plastic dummies I’d had to practice on twice a year at my work.

My hands flew into position on top of one another and pounded down onto his chest. The force was so great his whole torso and body bounced in time with my hands. I thought of nothing but the numbers in my head as I counted each push.
1,2,3,4,5…16, 17, 18…28, 29, 30.

Back to pinching his nose and slamming my mouth over his. Pounding down for 1,2,3,4,5…28, 29, 30. More air.

My kisses had left him breathless on more than one occasion in the past. His chest had heaved to get more air and I’d watch on with a stupidly proud smirk. It had fed my ego when he was left breathless, staring up at me in amazement with half-lidded eyes and red lips. God I hated myself! I had repeatedly taken his precious air away. Now I had to give it back to him.

All that I had stolen from him, I tried to return. He wouldn’t take it though. No matter what I tried, his lungs still wouldn’t move and his heart still wouldn’t start beating.

My last moments with him were fading quickly but still I tried to pry more time out of him. I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t leave him. I needed more time with him—more time to hold him and tickle him and stare into those warm brown eyes that had seen too much but not enough. I needed to show him all of those places that made his eyes light up when he saw them in my photos. I needed to show him those places and take him with me to new places I hadn’t been to yet. I couldn’t go see them without him!

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11…28, 29, 30.

Dog barking.

Blue water. Blue eyes. Blue lips.

“Go!” I screamed at the man with the dog. There were finally sirens. “Go up and tell them where we are!” Why was the man so dumb? This was a long fucking beach with numerous entries. Time was going to be wasted! Time that would turn one dead man into two. Couldn’t the man see my own fatality lurking behind my eyes? I must have been dying already because a living man would have been able to give the lifeless one proper oxygen, enough to make him wake up!

Uniformed men ran down the beach with boxes in their hands. They sank down next to me. One pair of hands clamped a mask down over the lifeless mouth and pumped a larger dose of oxygen into it. Another man asked me a set of fast questions that my brain oddly was able to answer just as quickly.

“What happened?”

“Sandbar collapsed far out. Fell into deep water. Couldn’t swim.”

”Did he hit his head on it?”

“I couldn’t tell. But he was still able to move his arms for a while.”

“CPR?”

“Yes.”

“How many sets?”

“At least three.”

“Properly?”

“I’m trained more or less with my job.”

As I answered his questions, I helped the man pull the soaking black shirt off the lifeless body and finished wiping his chest dry with the towel the man had been using. One of the other men unpacked the small AED unit next to him. A defib! My heart gave a jolt relief. I never thought I’d be so happy to see an intimate object.

A defibrillator unit brought hope. This one was an automated external defibrillator, a mobile version that could charge up electrical energy and, in Layman’s terms, try and shock the heart back into beating. It wasn’t as powerful as a manual one but it would take too long to carry him over to the ambulance where one may be located when he’d been…dead for so long already. No time could be wasted—for every minute his heart had ceased to beat, his chances of survival decreased by something like ten percent. I hoped I had remembered those figures wrong...

The paramedics carefully placed two electrode pads over his chest diagonal to his heart, over his left pectoral and under his right one once his chest was dry enough.

“Starting!” the paramedic called out to his coworkers and the familiar electronic female voice calmly spoke out the instructions. Only a robot could say things so calm and almost cheerful in a moment of life and death.

“Stand clear. Analyzing rhythm.”

“No one touch him!” One of the men instructed loudly.

I knew this. I had done all of this before in my training. My head was still cloudy with unhelpful fears but flashes of my past memories broke through. That’s right, it was imperative not to touch him when the AED unit was trying to analyze any possible rhythms still left in his heart. If anyone else touched him, false readings might be given and screw everything up.

“Stand clear,” the female voice instructed again.

The man with the AED hovered a hand over the machine. It had decided a shock was necessary. The man immediately pressed the button.

A shrill beep sounded and his chest twitched upwards before settling onto the sand again.

“Do not touch patient. Analyzing rhythm,” it spoke.

We waited and waited and then I saw his hands start to move. His fingers uncurled a tiny bit and I watched them with my breath held. Then his tongue moved back and forth inside his mouth as if he was gagging and disappointment as heavy as a brick slammed into me. I remembered what my instructors had described to me during my training. My man wasn’t moving consciously at all. His body was just starting to spasm after the electric shock. He hadn’t come back to me at all...

“Analyzing rhythm…”

His fingers stopped moving and he was back to lying stiffly.

“Check pulse. If no pulse, give CPR.”

Fingers from a professional pressed against his neck and said the words I didn’t want to hear. “I’m not getting anything here.”

The plastic mask was put back over his mouth and hands manually pumped air into him. I watched, paralyzed, as another paramedic’s hands pressed down on his chest. He delivered efficient CPR.

It felt like forever that I crouched watching my man’s chest bounce roughly over and over again as a stranger’s hands tried to force life back into him. The CPR was giving the AED’s battery time to charge up again in case another shock was needed, but it felt like hope was beaten out of me with every push they made against his chest.

“Stand clear.” Another shrill beep and a twitch of the chest. “Do not touch patient. Analyzing rhythm.” Those damn words. They were fast becoming a broken record I felt would haunt me for the rest of my life. How many more times would I have to hear it? He’d already been shocked twice. Twice was not a good sign.

Dying. Dead. They were two words I loathed to hear and the part of me that refused to give up on him, the knight in rapidly rusting armor, pushed them as far from my conscious mind as possible.

JaeJoong… He was full of life. He was my life. He was beautiful and funny and his smile had healing powers. When his hands moved, they cooked up so many tasty dishes and when his arms moved he gave the best hugs. He was so warm when he hugged me and his breath, his precious breath, was so warm too when it touched my neck and face.

“Check pulse. If no pulse, give CPR.” That damn recorded voice of fake cheerfulness invaded my thoughts and ripped my memories apart.

To slap me even harder, part of his eyelids had been pushed up in all the action, and his dark, unseeing eyes looked past me up at the sky. Out of everyone here on this beach, I was the only one who knew what it was like to have those eyes look right at you and into your soul. I was the only one who knew how warm his gaze was. But it was lost.

I didn’t know where JaeJoong was right now. But Yunho…he had to accept that JaeJoong wasn’t here. Not anymore. He had been once. This body had been his. This shell had housed his soul—the energy that had loved me. I couldn’t see any sign of it anymore. It was JaeJoong’s body—that was a nightmare that couldn’t be denied—but it really wasn’t JaeJoong. It looked like him but it didn’t look like him. I had once kissed those cheeks, seen their plumpness when he laughed. I had once heard a voice laugh; heard his energy laugh.

Those hands had once held onto me. They had threaded themselves in between my fingers and squeezed them. They had wrapped around my back and held me close to him. All that was left now in those hands was an impersonal spasm.

My darling… How long have you already left me for?

It didn’t matter how hard the ambulance officers worked, it wouldn’t really matter to them if that body ever got up again. Yes, it would be sad and frustrating, and maybe they’d spare a thought to him as they held their chopsticks near their dinner plate and offered a quick prayer for him, but they’d be able to go on with their lives. They’d be able to eat that dinner…

I’d have nothing.

I watched, already feeling disembodied, as the body of my lover went through another spasm. His tongue moved in that disturbing dance and so did his adam’s apple.

His adam’s apple?

”I think I’ve got one…”

His adam’s apple? The odd movement was all I could concentrate on. Not even the voices beside me could be properly heard anymore. When his throat had moved it almost looked like an attempt to swallow…or gag.

“It’s getting stronger. He’s responding. Press the bag in time with the pulse. Breathe for him with his own rhythm.”

The men suddenly rolled him onto his side and the sudden movement jerked me out of my thoughts. What the hell were they doing with him?

From his side, more water and vomit started to come out again and I stared in fear at it. What were they trying to do? Empty him out so he’d be easier to handle? They had given up on him already and were waiting for the rest of his puke to come out? Didn’t want any dead man’s puke on their clothes as they wheeled him away, huh?

“It’s okay. You’re okay. Just let it come out.”

Let what come out? My tears? I was not okay! I felt so angry, so scared. I wanted to let it all out and yell that to them but I was too exhausted.

“Good boy. You’re okay. You swallowed a lot of water. What’s your name? …JaeJoong?”

I stared at the three bodies in front of me, at the two hunched over the one lying on his side. They weren’t talking to me. They hadn’t been talking to me since they first got here and asked me all those questions. They were talking to JaeJoong and he…he was talking back.

I fell from my haunches onto my butt in a worn out mess off limbs. I sat, spellbound as my mind raced away through the fog to catch up to the present.

An oxygen mask was still on him but the defibrillator pads no longer clung to his chest…his chest that slowly rose and fell on its own.

“Deep breaths, JaeJoong, deep breaths. That’s right.”

My head had cleared and now it was time to blink my eyes clear. Warmth wet my cheeks and the blurriness faded. I must have really been blind because there weren’t two paramedics in front of me—there were actually three paramedics with JaeJoong. I was going crazy. But I’d keep this crazy if it meant JaeJoong could be alive in this universe.

He looked bleary-eyed and scared but I just couldn’t reach out and touch him. I couldn’t move at all. Part of me so desperately wanted to touch any part of him but…a part that scared me wanted nothing more than to just walk away right now.

Somehow I managed the latter. I crawled a few meters on shaking limbs and then pushed myself up on unstable legs. I left the mess far behind me. I was shivering from the cold, still soaking wet but I didn’t turn back around to get my jacket.

One slow footstep at a time got me back up the beach. I didn’t even realize I’d left my shoes behind as well until hard twigs and rough concrete irritated my feet. They were really good shoes… My mind was screaming at me to go back and get them but my heart just wasn’t in it.

More twigs stabbed at my feet but the irritation went mostly unnoticed. I then walked dirt, sand and water into the café but I kept on walking anyway, barely noticing. On the way to his bedroom, I slipped on the top step and tumbled down. Never mind that, I had to get to my bag. I slung it over my shoulders but didn’t move. I stared ahead of me with eyes unseeing. After a few minutes, they found focus again and I saw the small dent in the otherwise perfect duvet. That tiny patch of wrinkled bed cover could have been all I had left of him. The only sign that he had existed. The only mark he’d left for me to say goodbye.

I walked past the bed and pushed open the door to JaeJoong’s fire escape staircase. The concrete stairs were really cold under my bare feet. I missed my shoes. I had to get them back. My feet would be so sad and lonely without them!

I trudged through grass and dirt and over more rough concrete. There were people all over the park. Where had they all come from? This morning I had been the only one there.

I walked past them one by one, their frenzied conversations going over my head. There were no flashing vehicles around me, which my head told me was good. I didn’t like flashing lights. It meant something was wrong.

My feet met sand and I walked past more people on the beach. They were not important. My shoes were though. I needed to put them on. My mind told me it was a necessity. I couldn’t leave town until I put them on.

Yay, happy feet! Feet were happy now. I was a good boy because I had done what I was told!

It felt too soon to go to the station but it was the only place I knew. The station was deserted but the ticket man was there. He looked nice. I gave him my wallet and asked for a ticket to get home. I left my wallet in his hands and walked on, over to the old platform. It looked so country compared to the ones at home. It had old-fashioned clocks and faded signs along it as well as a small tree. A tree! In the middle of the platform. Too funny.

My train wasn’t going to come for hours, my mind told me. That was alright, I could sit down until it came.

I was a bit more protected from the wind at the station but I still kept on shivering. Curling into a ball had little effect. I felt so cold and so sad.

So very sad.

My wail pierced the silent air but it was oddly comforting. I curled up tighter and let another one come out. They hurt me physically to be released but they kept coming out anyway. The pain was never-ending.

A warm hand touched my shoulder but I didn’t move.

“Have a drink of water, son.”

I continued to sob into my knees.

“The bottle is here if you want it. No need to pay for it. I’ll put it next to your bag there.”

This pain would just not come out. It was lodged so far down I didn’t know what it would take to be free of it.

“You asked me for a ticket to ‘home’ so I assumed you wanted the usual destination you ask for. I’ll just pop the ticket into your wallet there, right near your driver’s license. All done.”

The sadness was so strong it was all I could concentrate on. I was barely even aware of the ticket man coaxing me up and leading me into his office where it was warm and carpeted. I fell down into a ball again on the floor and he slipped his jacket over me.

For the first time in my life, I let a stranger hear me cry—hear me really cry from deep within. All the etiquette that society had taught me about how men were supposed to behave was thrown aside and stamped on. Even so, he sat with me until my train came, saying nothing but saying everything.

///TBC///

A/N: ... I'm so sorry. This was something that was planned to happen from the beginning... I've battled with myself for over half a year or more to see if I could really include this but then recently I had some signs/moments that convinced I really did need to include this. I wish I could go into all the deep reasons why but if I did it might spoil some things, so maybe later down the track I can elaborate on it. T_T

I'm not sure if any of you have seen a real life CPR case, but it is pretty intense. I personally haven't (just had to do the typical first aid/CPR courses with practice dummies in high school with professionals), but I've seen some footage of real CPR cases on the beach and.... well, if you are interested I can link you to some on youtube. Although watching them can be confronting, it seriously makes you aware of just how precious life is and how wonderful the miracle feels when you save someone's life. I always get so overwhelmed and cry when I see it happen with a happy ending. <3

As a side note... You know, sometimes in those moments when you are really down and out, the help from a stranger (like that ticket man) can just be so amazing and unexpected. That feeling has happened to me a few times and I'm sure you guys have felt it too at least once in your life. The world can be scary and tough but sometimes even the smallest action from you can really help someone else in trouble. Let's continue to make the world a nicer place for everyone. ^^

Wow this is starting to feel like a therapy corner or something. I'll stop now lol! And I do apologise again if this chapter was really confronting and intense. If it makes you feel better, I actually traumatized myself a few times in the process of writing it, re-reading it, and checking it again for typos.

I consider last chapter to be using up the last little bits of fluff in the FLUFF BOTTLE. We've temporarily run out of those, and the only bottles on my shelf are ANGST BOTTLES. As soon as the FLANGST or FLUFF BOTTLES come back in stock, I'll be sure to use them again. *hugs you all*

And thank you so much for your comments last chapter! Muah! (Go easy on me for this one please, I feel awful already!) <3

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From:

irerd-taga.livejournal.com

Spotto!

From:

irerd-taga.livejournal.com

Nooooooo!!!!!
And there I was, happy for Yunho that he got a few days off to see Jae!
I had a feeling no good would come of Jae wanting to go in the water.
So all those dreams Yunho had were a premonition of this unfortunate incident?!
Thank goodness the paramedics were able to revive Jae! He was technically dead, wasn't he?
But what's happening to Yunho now?! A mental breakdown from the shock of seeing Jae dead and then seeing him alive again?! Will he be so traumatised by this that he'll not want to see Jae again so as to avoid ever feeling it again? I was surprised by his reaction of walking away. I would've thought he would hug Jae within an inch of his life from the sheer relieve!

What a total turnaround this chappie was from the previous chappie! Jae was so alive and feeling so positive about his life and then kaboom...this happens! Can't wait to see what happens in the next chappie!

PS: A very intense scene indeed where Jae was being revived! I was so afraid they weren't going to save Jae.

(no subject)

From:

wild-terrain.livejournal.com - Date: 2011-04-12 08:18 am (UTC) - Expand

From:

yunho-ism.livejournal.com

uwaaah! spotting!

From:

yunho-ism.livejournal.com

Oh gawd I don't know what to say. I just don't know what to say!
At first I was thinking: "Is this just some sort of deluded dream that Yunho is having?"
Then Jae was a goner but was fortunately revived.
Then fudge Yunho started going cray cray, and going all concerned over his missing shoes.
I was hoping you would clarify something on your A/N.
But I guess all of that really did happen! D:
But GDI Jae! You should have been more careful!
It was a miracle Yunho even got there in the first place!!!
Ugh. I think I'm feeling dizzy. @_____________@
Please please please update soon. The suspense would kill us readers.
And thank you for this chap. It was really intense.

(no subject)

From:

wild-terrain.livejournal.com - Date: 2011-04-12 08:20 am (UTC) - Expand

From:

yukimiya87.livejournal.com

spot! >3

From:

1stepcl0ser.livejournal.com

Omgomgomg O____O Am I dreaming?! XD Aah, need to read!!! I guess this upload is my reward for studying until 3.30AM last night xD Will read asap! (Sry for that useless comment! ;_;)

From:

1stepcl0ser.livejournal.com

Oh.. my.. God..

I'm seriously speechless. I was so shocked and tensed while reading this chapter. I seriously thought Jaejoong would die. I was thinking 'No, this can't be' all the time. Wow, this chapter gave me a good threat.
But since I've been kind of wanting angst.. I guess it's important that this happened. :(

And omg Yunho.. I feel so sorry for him. I can understand how traumatized he is. I actually had to laugh a bit while he was searching for his shoes. :/
That man who helped Yunho is awesome. I'm glad someone was there to comfort him. And Yunho probably really needed to cry after such a shock.

But... he can't leave ;_____; He needs to stay by Jaejoong's side! I can somewhat understand that he wants to get away from all of this as far as pissible, but.. Jaejoong ;__;

Oh my, pleeeeeease update asap!!!! Please try!! I know you've got a lot to do for uni and other stuff, too, but.. I just need to know what's happening next Q___Q Btw, thanks for this very quick update this week!!! *huggles*

You're such a talented girl, I'm happy that I can read your awesome work. Will be waiting for the next chapter!! This chap made me kind of emo right now .___.

(no subject)

From:

wild-terrain.livejournal.com - Date: 2011-04-12 08:28 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From:

wild-terrain.livejournal.com - Date: 2011-04-12 08:21 am (UTC) - Expand

From:

rurutia88.livejournal.com

oh my...what is this? how can u torture our yunjae here...esp yunho. he's traumatized..and i'm traumatized too...huhu
u better make it up for this later...a tons of FLUFFY things maybe...hehe..again, not maybe, should be..
anyway thank u for updating 2 chap in 1 week...now u've given us this, i couldn't wait for the explanation why it's happen...so,
GANBATTE in updating ne!

From:

Lost in the fog of one's mind...

The Beacon; My Siren - Chap 28

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