wild_terrain | The Beacon; My Siren

Title: The Beacon; My Siren
Author: wild_terrain (ie. fi_chan)
Banner (Made beautifully by love_cassiopeia):

Chapter: [26/ ?]
Rating: MA15+
Genre: AU [FLANGST, mystery, spirituality, romance]
Summary: Philophobia… The fear of falling in love or being in love. I didn’t know such a thing existed until I met him… Kim JaeJoong was my age—a youthful 25 years—and the owner of a popular café, yet he was already known around town as the mysterious hermit who had chosen to completely withdraw from the world. How on earth could someone so young be afraid of loving others to the point of secluding themselves from all human beings? What was he afraid of? What was he hiding? I just didn’t understand it. And by that stage, the need to understand it was all I could think about... In fact, he was all I could think about…

Jung Yunho… For all of my life I had grown up away from the limelight. I couldn’t stand being noticed by anybody, and for a long time I thankfully never was. But then you came and suddenly you were everywhere – waving to me as I swept the café after closing, saying hello to me as you cycled past the bench I was sitting on, helping me carry my groceries inside whilst talking non-stop to me as if we were actually friends… Why are you always around making my heart thump erratically? Why do you even care? The more you try to explore this town, the more I need to step up and protect you from your own curiosity, because I know It is out there and I know It wants to harm you…

Trailer: CLICK TO WATCH~~

Beta = moon1084 <3

A/N: Hallllllf asleeeeep right now so for now this is just an update for my journal! Shall update comms tomorrow~

The minute I stepped foot in Yunho’s house, I realized I didn’t have much control over anything—the guy was just too excited to show me his home. After leaving Yoochun in his sister’s hands, I was led around to almost every room. There was no room for anything else—I couldn’t say hello to his parents properly and I could barely take in what one room looked like before I was whisked away to the next with Yunho’s nonstop chatter in my ear. I didn’t mind the hectic tour though. I did want to see all of his house in any way I could and the smile on his face was too sweet to risk ruining.

Yunho’s house wasn’t double storey like Café JaDe but it was far more spacious than my living quarters. His parents and sister all lived together still and there was lots of evidence of it. Photo frames lined shelves and lots of DVDs were stacked messily in the long cabinet beside the TV in their lounge room. Books were left on the dining table (but stacked neatly) and there was even a rubik’s cube on a couch in front of the TV that had fallen between the cushions. It wasn’t that things seemed messy in his house, it was just that there were so many items that needed a home compared to my practically bare shelves.

As Yoochun and HyunAe set up the takeaway dinner we had bought, Yunho swept me back into his room. I hadn’t been able to see much of it in his rather passionate tour and I realized pretty quickly that I’d have no time to examine it properly even now. I’d barely stepped foot in it again before I was pulled straight into his arms.

I was still going through the momentum when his lips touched mine. He hadn’t even closed his door—it seemed privacy was a much smaller priority at the moment for Yunho. Our kiss deepened and I found I couldn’t move from the secure hold of his hands against my cheeks and jaw—not that I would have wanted to move anyway.

When he broke away from me, my eyes remained closed, enjoying the moment. I heard the door close and then the sounds of his soft footsteps as he came back to me. I’d barely taken in two deep breaths before my jaw was in his hands again and gently maneuvered for another kiss.

He hadn’t even changed out of his work uniform into comfier clothes and we were already melting into each other. His thumbs stroked my cheeks and then moved up to draw my hair back. It felt so nice I could have moaned.

He broke away from me again and when I opened up my eyes he was staring at me. “What?”

He shook his head with a very soft smile. “I missed this face.” Our foreheads touched and he closed his eyes. “I don’t think it’s quite sunken in yet that you’re actually here.” My arm wrapped around his waist and squeezed him tight. “I can’t believe you are here, that you were able to come here,” he continued on in a whisper. “I never though you’d ever see this room, my house, my work… You have no idea how much this means to me…”

“I’m glad I can make you happy…” was all I could murmur.

Our lips found each other again and barely parted until HyunAe knocked on the door to announce that our takeaway dinner had finished being warmed up.

I didn’t end up seeing much of Yunho’s parents (which I felt awful about). They had dinner in another room before leaving early for their concert. They were both very sweet though and Yunho looked just like them. I wouldn’t have minded watching them for longer when they were home but part of me was still fighting that deeply imbedded shyness and I couldn’t deny Yunho my presence.

It was dangerous when HyunAe and Yoochun went out on their special date and left us completely alone. All of the emotions we had been trying to keep sealed up burst at the seams almost as soon as the front door closed behind HyunAe.

At first, no words were involved. When words did come into play, they were heavy and thick with sensuality. “You’re staying in here tonight,” he’d told me once we were back in his bedroom and sitting on his bed which was a king single. “Yoochun will probably be sleeping on one of the couches. There’s no way my parents would let a guy sleep in the same room as my sister. But since you”—he paused in his slow and husky explanation to kiss me—“and I are both men, it won’t be weird sharing the same room.” His voice was barely a whisper at that stage and his lips hovered over my skin. He began kissing my neck down to my collarbone.

“W-What if someone walks in?” I whispered back.

“There’s no one here but us.”

The way he said that so low in his throat that it made me feel as though I was already naked. I tried to breathe or at least swallow. “What if they walk in later?”

His nose drew a gentle line back up my neck and chin and his lips kissed mine. It was a kiss too sensual to not make any noise. “We’d already be under the sheets. They won’t be able to tell that our clothes are off.”

“Oh my god,” I breathed, already swept into a heated trance. My jacket and shirt were pulled off but I could barely feel the cold.

He licked and tugged at my nipples and my head fell back in a silent moan. My hands reached blindly out in front of me and curled around the bottom of his work shirt. It was had no buttons and slid right off his body.

I ran my hands over his chest and noticed it felt a tiny bit harder. What had Yoochun been saying about Yunho going to the gym more often this month? I knew that conversation held the key to my observation but the details were too slippery to recall when my hands were full with soft, warm skin beneath them. Yunho’s body shape hadn’t changed all that much visually, but it now thrummed with extra power under my fingers.

My palms slid up his chest again and separated in their journey as each hand curled around his arms. I could finally touch them instead of just looking at them peep out from his work shirt as he pulled cords and drew unwanted attention from his regulars. His triceps were even harder than his pectorals had been. I vaguely missed the softer feel but continued to explore the new texture with renewed curiosity.

His biceps, his pectorals, his abdomen… I ran out of flesh to glide over and caress and quickly unbuckled his belt. I unzipped his pants and a loud clang almost brought me out of my trance. I looked up to see his Venetian blinds falling down over the window even though it was already dark outside.

Yunho’s hand warmed my cheek as he cupped it and turned my face away from the window to look back onto him. “How many times have I told you?” he murmured, gazing up at me fiercely. “No one is allowed to see you naked but me.” And with that, my pants and underwear were taken off in one pull and tossed aside. They landed someplace out of reach. Yunho had made it very clear for some time that I was to remain very naked and nothing else would suffice. And I wanted to be naked for him.

His eyes did the typical sweep over my body and I recognized the flattering lust in his gaze. Little shivers ran down my body and left me a little self-conscious and breathless. Even through my shyness I didn’t move to cover myself up with the sheets. Sheets would get in the way of him touching me and I desperately needed him to touch me.

He kept his eyes on my body as he wriggled out of his work pants. When they had been tossed near mine, one of his hands returned to cupping my jaw and with a hand gently pushing the back of his head, I drew him closer to me again to meet the kiss half way.

Our kiss grew heated and his other hand slipped in between our bodies to wrap around my growing member. How those long fingers stroked me! His thumb began to play with the small slit and I bucked up into him to feel more of my swollen member rub against his callused fingers. Before his caressing could excite me too much, I managed to find the elastic of his underwear and pulled it down over his buttocks. I massaged the skin there and the slightly wet tip of his erection sprung forward and brushed a cool line across my thigh and stomach.

We lay with our bellies and groin pressed together for a few minutes, letting the skin of our bodies stimulate each other in a slower tease than hands could provide. Between us brewed a scorching temperature that warmed all of my pores. It wasn’t just our groins that felt hot but the breath of his panting against my face. He wasn’t the only one out of breath already.

We slipped a condom on and when my body had finished being prepared, Yunho buried himself in deep. It was just as well that nobody else was home because I could have never contained the noises that vibrated within my throat as he moved in and out of me in a beautiful torture.

My calves automatically curled around themselves and then slid up to push against Yunho’s buttocks and bring him deeper into me. We battled to both set the pace of our thrusts but soon fell into rhythm against each other.

My hands slipped down his shoulders and fought to steady themselves on his back. He was beginning to sweat. Or maybe it was my own sweat. It was too difficult to tell at this stage and when my mind was too clouded with ecstasy. I didn’t feel like JaeJoong anymore. I felt almost disembodied—which, after the surreal blur of today’s events, didn’t feel so odd at all.

My body moved without me in fierce thrusts as his hand curled back around my penis and pumped ecstasy up into it. His hot breath was at my neck and collarbones, wetting my skin. I only barely registered the sheen that also covered my chest before I saw and felt his teeth suddenly graze one of my nipples again. With both my nipple and penis being tugged at, I couldn’t breathe—save for the string of pants we both were letting out. We had barely discovered this physical aspect of our relationship, but it had already been too long since we had been able to feel this. I needed this. We needed this.

My sweaty palms barely glided over his neck before disappearing into his hair. He groaned loudly. My touch may have been a little too rough or a little too pleasurable—or maybe both. The distinction between pain and pleasure had blurred long ago into the perfect balance.

Returning the favor, his teeth bit into my nipple and I yelped seeing both black and white—but in that perfect mix of pain and pleasure, my body throbbed all over in all the right ways.

When he plunged in deeper and hit the spot inside of me that belonged only to him, the brilliant white burst forward, obliterating everything else. “Oh god, it’s coming!” I was moaning and exclaiming all at once and my fingers clutched at his hair and shoulders.

The last tendrils of my orgasm were warming my groin when his begun. I could feel him, so hard inside of me, as he got lost in his own brilliant white.

We tried to calm down but our bodies kept on rolling against each other in the dance we were too caught up in to stop. It was exhausting and exhilarating all at once.

Breath returned and my head crashed onto the pillow as our bodies finally stilled. Yunho’s slick body curved into mine as he let himself fall gently on top of me. His hot skin continued to burn into mine and it felt like we were really one person—and I think for the most part we were still one.

My hand slipped from the nest it had made in his hair to join my other hand on his shoulder blades and I held him close. I could feel the muscles beneath my fingers still tense and slowly moving as he panted quietly.

My body and brain returned back to me and I felt like JaeJoong again. I was too exhausted to feel embarrassed at how feral I had become. Lust was not something you could mess with lightly—especially if that lust was mixed with an explosive amount of admiration and adoration for your partner. It was terrible behavior to succumb to at someone else’s house, regardless of whether the owners were out or not. I should have been ashamed of myself, but instead I felt a shameful satisfaction that Yunho was here with me and not with anybody else who desired him.

“My god…” I breathed out.

“Intense,” he agreed with mutual breathlessness.

“I’m sorry...”

“I’m not.”

That made me smile. His own satisfaction and ownership of the part he had played made me feel so much better. It wasn’t just me who had lost control.

“That was different,” I whispered.

“But good in its own way.”

“Yes. Definitely.” I stroked his messy hair as he lay his head down over my chest. “I love you.” My eyes shot open at the sound of my own voice and my heart stopped beating. The declaration had slipped out without me even knowing it was on the tip of my tongue. It scared the hell out of me.

Completely relaxed and calm—the opposite of me—Yunho’s hand stroked some of the tension from my chest. “JaeJoong, I love you too.” His voice was soft with fatigue but very firm. Once upon a time, I wouldn’t have believed him but…

My tear ducts itched.

I believed him now.

My eyelashes dampened and I fought to get control over myself again. Breathing in the scent from his hair, I closed my eyes again. Everything was okay… He was here. I was here. He wasn’t running away from me—and, most importantly, I wasn’t running away from him.

With each calm breath, I sunk further into the pillow and welcomed the warmth from his body still pressing into me. Then reality became clearer and my eyes snapped open again—holy cow, what the hell had I been thinking, everything was not okay!

“Oh Yun…” I groaned, trying to squirm out from under him but he wouldn’t let me. “Yun, this is… No, no, no!” I babbled incoherently. “Oh god, this is so disrespectful! Having sex with their son, under their roof, when they are kind enough to let me stay here on short notice!”

Yunho lifted his head off my chest and ran his fingers through my hair in a long stroke that sent a bazillion tingles up and down my spine. “Their son is almost twenty-six, JaeJoong,” he said as he looked me straight in the eye. “They would have already come to terms with the thought that their son is sexually active. That stuff would have gone through their minds at least five years ago. Stop freaking out.”

“Yeah but sexually active with girls!” I countered. Images of what I had seen earlier at Yunho’s work rushed through my mind and almost made me feel a little sick.

“Girls, shmirls,” he scoffed. “A body is just a body—just a shell. A soul is a soul—it’s the essence of everything. So girls, boys, whatever—it’s all good.”

“Maybe. But the shell is what people look at, the thing they judge,” I said as I looked glumly up at the ceiling. “You can’t see a soul, so the body instantly gains more importance. And my body is that of a man. It’s weird that you don’t mind that.”

“Geez, I’m not a girl either so why do you like me?” he threw back.

“Yes, but I’ve never been interested in girls. You’ve almost been with one.”

“Yeah. Almost. Exactly the point! I couldn’t get there because she wasn’t you.”

I frowned, holding back a scornful laugh. “You didn’t even know me then.”

“But I know you now and you’re the difference.” His handd ran through my hair again and then floated back up to stroke my cheek with the back of his fingers. It was hard to keep looking him in the eye. “I’ve never really had an interest in dating people. Or sex. Or any of that. I just assumed I was a rare, non-sexual male… But I can’t get enough of you. I didn’t really want to touch that girl—it made me feel so uncomfortable, but I want to touch you all the time. And…” he smiled ironically, “the fact that you’re naked underneath me now kind of proves that point, hmm?”

“But what if… And I’m not saying it’s deliberate… But what if you are only interested in me—as insanely intense as you are—because I’m an adventure? Something new and different. A mystery you want to solve.”

Oh god, why was I bringing this up now? Just moments after I’d finally told him how I felt about him? An old familiar feeling that wasn’t completely welcomed moved through me and I could almost hear a delighted laugh in my head that wasn’t kind. “He’s not denying it,” the intruder said and Its voice was so loud I could almost feel a vibration from it. “Good luck, boy.”

I felt so tense. So cold. I wanted freedom from everything and that certainly included freedom from any part of his body touching mine. I didn’t want anybody near me. The fact that he was still on top of me, on top of my skin, made me feel nauseous.

After a long moment of silence from him—and a long battle with revolution on my part—he finally spoke. “You are an enigma…” His voice was quiet. “And maybe that’s why I was drawn in at first… but I already know a lot of your secrets now—I already know you. I’m still here because you’re not something trivial like a temporary adventure. I need you—not today, not for a week, but for as long as I can have you.”

He was staring right into my face but I avoided his gaze.

“You’re…” he trailed off. He then pushed himself higher onto his elbows to make it harder for me to avoid looking at him. I still found my ways. “JaeJoong… Where’s my JaeJoong?” he asked louder. “Why are you trying to be a stranger again? Look at me!”

I felt sorry for his bewildered state but It was making it hard for me to speak.

“I said look at me!” His voice was fierce and so was the motion of his hand as he grabbed onto my jaw and thrust it in his direction. The pain of his fingers digging into me shocked me back to the present and his blazing eyes burned It away.

“I-I’m sorry.” I choked out, my heart pounding from the look he was still giving me. “I heard you… I—” I took a deep breath. I what? I was being punished for liking you too much? I wanted to get away from you? I almost threw away everything I had worked on because It wanted me to? I finally settled on, “I don’t know what happened… Sorry.”

As long as I looked at him, I was able to feel normal again. To look at his gorgeous, handsome, caring, familiar face was like getting a warm hug in the middle of a thunderstorm and it steadied me. With a grimace, I lifted my head up to give him a quick kiss. “I’m sorry for alarming you. I don’t know why all that stuff came out. I know you like me as much as I like you. I do. But it scares me…”

His eyes softened and he bent down to kiss my forehead. And my nose. And finally my mouth. “The power you have over me scares me too,” he softly reassured. I think that fear is normal when you like someone enough to let go of your defenses. Trust me, JaeJoongie, you’re not the only person in this world with insecurities. I’ve lost count of how many times you’ve said I remind you of your brother. Am I just a replacement for him? If a girl had reminded you of Damien, would you have fallen for her instead? I’ve asked myself those questions a fair bit and I know the answer to all of them is that I just have to have faith that I am something more than that. Does it even matter why we were first drawn to each other? I care about the end, not the beginning.”

“I didn’t know you were thinking that…” I replied with a soft voice. “Of course you’re something more than that. Your similarities with Damien probably did have something to do with why I was able to feel comfortable enough to open up to you, but you’re not him. You don’t make me so happy because you remind me of him. I look up to you. I want to be like you. You already know all this already! Around you, I don’t have to force myself to smile. It just comes naturally. I smile because you make me happy and you make me feel like someone important, like…” I paused, “like if I died, someone would miss me.”

Yunho shook his head sadly at me. “I hate how you still can’t see how special you are to people in this world.”

“I know. I’m trying. It’s hard to reset your brain when you’ve grown up thinking something different…”

“I know,” he softly reassured. “I know these things take time. Believe me, I know. But you are special. And kind. And selfless. And always thinking about others. This is a two way street, JaeJoong, I want to be like you too.”

I was so exhausted from the whirlwind of events today and from the vigorous activities I’d just done with him and the confessions I had made. Here I was still being overwhelmed from every angle.

A hand that wasn’t mine wiped away the couple of tears that had slipped down my cheek and I closed my eyes before more could come out and embarrass me. “You’ve changed my life, Yunho.”

His hand, still a little damp from my tears, found mine and our fingers intertwined. “And you have no idea how much you’ve improved mine…” he whispered. “I wish I knew where to begin to tell you how. But that story’s too long for right now…”

I stared down at the beautiful and sensitive man beneath me and smiled. He was emotionally exhausted from today and I could see it. His tears seemed mixed with fatigue and frustration. They wouldn’t last long and they weren’t the kind to feel embarrassed about afterward—although, knowing him, he probably still was.

“Maybe we should stop talking about that stuff. You’ve had a long day.” I stroked his forehead. “Today couldn’t have been easy. I know how hard it was for you to come here for the first time. You’re so strong.” I smiled at him and bent to peck his forehead.

“I couldn’t stand the thought of not being able to see you for weeks,” he admitted. “And then I was too nervous about whether I’d be intruding if you really were busy to even think about what I was leaving behind on the other end. About how…” he tensed up, “irresponsible it is of me to leave the town unprotected.” He sighed. “In my absence, someone may try and go to the island… But I guess not many people are all that interested now.”

“When was the last time someone seemed interested in it?”

“Some months ago. Almost a year, I guess. It was this…really annoying man. He wouldn’t stop talking. I think the elastic of his jaw had snapped or something because his mouth just couldn’t close by itself.”

“Ah. Hrmm…” My eyebrow rose. “Is that so?”

He gazed up at me with a soft smile, waiting for me to take the bait.

“We need to think about the pros and cons here, Joongie. If he closed his mouth, it would be a lot more quiet. Quieter conversation-wise, yes, but…” I grinned and ran my thumb across his nipple, “You’d be a lot less quiet too if his mouth was closed.”

He stared up at me, trying not to mewl. It was sneaky of me but I knew I had won. I closed my eyes and gave the little nub beneath my finger a soft kiss. This time he did mewl.

“I think I’ll keep my mouth open,” I murmured, and after I saw the charming look of agreement on his face, I couldn’t help but give him a quick peck on the mouth to seal the deal. He was too cute. I gave him a longer kiss. “Baby.”

“Mm?” he murmured back.

“We should probably take a shower before everyone comes home.”

He agreed and I rolled out of bed and slipped into the bathroom just around the corner of my bedroom. When he followed, I found him back in his underwear. I tried not to start laughing. “Joongie, what is that on for?”

“Oh…” he looked down. “I’m not like you—I can’t just walk around naked. It’s not my house…”

“The walls don’t have eyes.” I grinned, “And if they did, they wouldn’t be complaining about what they saw.”

He still didn’t spare me a glance or make any move to take his underwear off.

“Are you planning to not even let my shower see you?”

He sighed and finally slipped them back off.

“Good. Now in!” I smacked his buttocks and started the water.

“You’re so funny, Joongie,” I said once I’d stepped in too and hugged him from behind. I planted a kiss on his cheek and settled into the nice warm water. I let my hand rest over his belly as I reached up for the shower gel.

“You don’t happen to have any bad news you need to get off your chest, do you?”

“No!” I laughed.

“Okay. Carry on then.”

Out of the shower (or as I now like to think of it: kissy time under warm water), I passed him a spare towel and we dried ourselves off. He hung his up next to mine over a long hook in the wall.

Before he could try and escape from me, I wrapped my arms around him again and locked my hands across his belly. When I turned my head, I could see our reflection in the half-fogged up mirror beside us. The view was perfect—just the two of us practically attached at the hip, naked, and glowing under the light. Beautiful and pale JaeJoong, and me.

“Hey,” I softly spoke. “Doesn’t that look nice?”

He matched my gaze in the mirror and looked at us. “Mm…” He shyly covered my hands with his and stroked them with his thumbs. I smiled and kissed the back of his wet head.

That night, JaeJoong and I slept together in my bed—with JaeJoong’s underpants back on. We even slept through everyone one else in my family coming back home for the night. I had been worried at first that the huge change of environment and atmosphere would create a powerful dose of insomnia for him, but the poor guy was so exhausted that he fell asleep before me and woke up after me.

I didn’t have to get to work until after lunch like yesterday so I was able to take him to a few basic sightseeing places in the morning. I was so thrilled when he announced his general plans and I realized I’d have him for another night before he left. I could go to work peacefully knowing he’d be there when I got home again.

Whilst I was stuck at work, he opted to stay in my room to draw or reflect or nap. I set my laptop up too in case he needed to check his business email.

That turned out to be a mistake.

My screensaver had come on—a slideshow of random photos I had taken over the years—and he’d found some images that alarmed him. The images really must have been alarming to him because I had barely returned home when he approached me about them.

“Yunho, you look so thin in some of the photos on your laptop!”

I’d gone from getting a big hug in the doorway of my room after work to having that bizarre statement thrown in my face.

“Umm… Okay…” I walked past him and grabbed some comfier clothes to change into. Assuming that was all he needed to say about the matter, I pulled my work shirt off and slipped into a clean shirt and red hoodie. With my head temporarily buried in fabric, I didn’t realize that he had taken the chance to get a good look at my body. More complaints came out.

“Yunho, you’re getting thin now too.”

I stared at him as I slipped into some sweatpants without saying a word. Where the hell was this coming from?

I plunked down onto the end of my bed and pulled my legs up into a cross-legged position. “People’s weight can fluctuate throughout a lifespan, you know?”

“I know but on your laptop you looked too thin,” he said and sat down beside me. “Your face was close to looking emaciated. And you didn’t even look that much younger than now.”

“The photos you saw were probably just after high school then. I went to the gym a lot because I didn’t have to waste my time studying anymore. My friends and I went there together to hang out every other day.”

“Couldn’t you tell you were getting too thin?”

“Not really… Everyone looked like that.”

“Didn’t your family say anything?”

I frowned. “They said a lot back then… But nothing about that.”

JaeJoong sat in silence but whatever he was thinking was impossible to discern. “Why did you need to be at the gym so much? Just the friend thing?”

I really didn’t know what the bee in his bonnet was but he wouldn’t let up! Why was he so obsessed with my gym history? It was starting to get a bit annoying. “There was a lot on my mind after high school and it was the one place I could go to, to have a break. But I got my job and I didn’t have time for it anymore. The end.”

“But I don’t understand. You still have your job now, so why do you need to go back again suddenly?”

“Wha…”

“You’re a little thinner and your arms and chest are harder. You must have been going to the gym a lot since I last saw you. And that change makes me feel something is wrong. Aren’t I allowed to be worried?”

“Aren’t you overanalyzing this a bit too much?”

“You’re getting pissy with me now so maybe I’m not!”

I stared at him in disbelief and shook my head. “Unbelievable. I just got home from work and I’m tired,” I stressed. “And you’re nagging me about something you saw in a bunch of photos taken seven years ago!”

“Yes, but I’m looking at a changing body in my current life. I don’t want history to repeat itself. I hardly get to see you and I don’t want you to look sick the next time I do!”

“And if I look so revoltingly sick the next time you see me, I’m sure you’ll let me know it!” I returned loudly.

“Yunho!” he cried out when I jumped off my bed and I turned around to face him by my door.

“What?”

“I’m sorry. Please calm down. I’ll shut up.”

I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth as I tried to take some calming breaths. “JaeJoong,” I said behind dark eyelids. “If you have a problem with something, you should discuss it to the end. Not just say ‘sorry’ and promise to stop talking for the sake of avoiding a conflict. We’re past the walking on eggshells stage.” I opened my eyes again and exhaled slowly.

“You were walking away…”

“I was walking away to get some distance because pacing is what I do when I am frustrated. Surely you have noticed that by now?” I tried not to say that through gritted teeth but failed.

He nodded but looked a little downtrodden now. “A few hours of trying to distract myself here in a room filled with you did my head in, I guess. There were more gaunt photos of you than I expected and I panicked…”

“I haven’t updated that screensaver folder for a while. A lot of those pictures are old. It’s not a true depiction of my autobiography.”

He nodded slowly, still avoiding my gaze.

“I don’t have a problem with my weight if that is what you were worrying about. And I don’t know why I started going back to the gym more often in the last few weeks. I just had an urge to so I did, and I realized that, once again, it’s a good place to have a break in.

“I had been slacking on my upper muscle tone so I’ve been focusing on that instead of general cardiovascular fitness since I jog and stuff already. I’m sorry if that alarms you but I can’t exactly control every curve and dip on my body and make it look the same for you.”

“I missed you and that part came out wrong,” he softly spoke. “I’m only used to seeing you in one context. My head went spinning because I realized how much I don’t actually know about you and your past. And then you looked like my Mum and I overreacted.”

His Mum? I tried to recall what he’d told me about her and how she’d died. Then I stared at him. “Should I be insulted that you think I look sick?”

“N-No, not now. In the photos… I…”

“Right. I looked sick back then? Sure. Okay. I’ll add it to the list of reasons why I was such a pathetic person then. Thank you for the contribution.”

JaeJoong looked genuinely horrified and bewildered by my words. That’s when I realized I’d gone too far. I needed to take a step back. I’d come so far from seven years ago and the last thing I needed was to go back down the road I had fought so hard to leave.

I let out a long sigh again and rubbed my eyes up to my temple. “I wasn’t perfect back then, okay?” I said softly. “And I don’t want to talk about it. I’m just…a little tired from work right now.”

“I’m sorry I offended you,” JaeJoong replied just as quietly. “I don’t know what happened then but…I…I’m sorry you had a hard time. And…you are thinner than last time I saw you but…it’s only slight and…apart from that you do look really fine. A-And cool… And manly…”

Did I really look so pitiful right now that my boyfriend needed to whip out a thesaurus of compliments? And was I really so pitiful that I actually liked hearing them? Yes, I was pitiful. And tired. Very tired.

“Oh god, I need a timeout,” I groaned and crashed onto my bed. JaeJoong made room for me and I lay flat on my stomach next to him. “So tired…” I whined.

His hand tentatively touched my head and stroked my forehead. “I bet you’ve been standing on your feet for hours. Do your feet hurt?”

“No. I’ve only got a sore brain. It’s a reoccurring symptom of being me.”

There were some outside noises as my sister and Yoochun came home and continued discussing something or other on the way to her room.

“Do you normally have a nap now?” JaeJoong asked hesitantly when the noises grew fainter.

“Sometimes.”

“Have one now if you want. Don’t worry about me.”

“Thanks.” My eyelids felt heavy and I let them drop.

When I next came to, it was the sound of the front door closing again and plastic bags rustling that woke me. My parents had come home. I mustn’t have slept for that long.

I half rolled onto my back and spotted JaeJoong sitting with his knees tucked under his chin as he gazed out my window. There wasn’t a whole lot to see from it—just a street with a few more houses on it. I normally kept my blinds half-closed because people walking down the street would be able to see parts of my bedroom if they walked close enough by it.

“Parents are home,” I said and then a yawn came.

JaeJoong looked down at me. “Mm. They’re really quiet. I don’t know why but I expected them to be—”

“Louder?”

He shrugged in a way that said pretty much but is that rude of me?

“If you’re trying to base my parents off me then you’ve got it all wrong. So, so wrong.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Physically we match but other than that… I don’t know how the hell they had me. I’m nothing like either of them. A mutant strain of DNA.”

“Really?”

“Yep.”

“You don’t have any traits or interests in common?”

“None of that. I’m an unfocused, loose cannon who, according to my dad, still confuses them to this day.”

JaeJoong frowned. “You have a lot of energy but I wouldn’t call you unfocused.”

I gave a small smile. “Thanks. It’s been the theme of a lot of arguments in the past. And speaking of, I’m sorry for being all grr earlier.”

“I’m sorry for making you go grr at a stupid time.”

“From one grr face to the other…kiss and make up?”

JaeJoong smiled and bent to give me a peck. I turned it into a kiss.

“You said you weren’t used to me in different contexts. Which do you mean?” I asked when we were finished.

“Oh, that…” He looked embarrassed. “I’m quite used to this mode”—he tugged on my hoodie—“but not really that one.”

I sat up and glanced over at the work clothes I’d slung over the back of a chair. “Why is that mode so different?”

“It’s your professional skin. You’re a skilled employee who has to be a little guarded. It somehow hadn’t occurred to me that your public face would have to be different from your private one. It took me off guard is all… I was too used to cuddly Yunho.”

“Am I really that intimidating at work?”

“No, no.” He sat up straighter and waved his hand at me in an erasing emotion. “You are really friendly and nice there, but everyone in uniform intimidates me. To rephrase it, I was too used to your super cuddly side.”

“Silly billy,” I pouted.

“Yeah. And for obvious reasons I can never meet Youth Yunho so he felt unfamiliar to me too in all the framed pictures around your house. And on your laptop,” he added wryly. “I haven’t even really known you for a year yet and I felt a little far behind; realized I have a lot of catching up to do. Or rather, a lot of backtracking. I…” his eyes lowered shyly. “I want to know all about you.”

My heart skipped behind my ribcage and I felt a smile emerge. “You do know some of Youth Yunho already…”

“Only Youth Yunho’s series of unfortunate accidents.”

“And those tales pretty much sum me up. I’m really not a complicated creature.”

“I do admit I have been witness to some spectacular moments of Cuddly Yunho’s tripping disasters,” he agreed with a thoughtful look and I bumped my knee into his.

“But that’s exactly right,” I laughed. “Cut my height in half and you have Youth Yunho.”

“Okay,” he nodded with satisfaction and stretched his legs out in front of him. “I think that’s the best we can do. Aside from Young Adult Yunho, but I get the feeling that it’s something you wouldn’t really want to talk about—apart from the ex-girlfriend story.”

“Young Adult Yunho…” I mused. A time of awkwardness and, when it came to family, disappointments. “Not the nicest period,” I agreed. “But we all get through it and I at least found a job that suited me to help the process along. And then I got settled and then…” I showed him my pearly whites, “I got you.”

He let out a short laugh. “You definitely did.”

Dinner that night was had with everyone around the table. I think JaeJoong liked that. He liked the company and, to my amusement, he especially liked being near my parents. He’d barely said a word but he looked at them a lot, looked engrossed whenever they started a conversation, and tried to help out in the kitchen despite being firmly barricaded out by my mother and sister. With all the constant noise in my world, I forgot how lonely he’d feel sometimes up there in his flat above the café. And he was going back tomorrow, back to that quiet place.

Later on when everyone had exchanged their goodbyes—or in JaeJoong’s and Yoochun’s case, thank you’s—and disappeared into their bedrooms and couch, I knew our last night together here had to be just as special as our first. It wouldn’t do to just lie there snuggling next to each other, watching the minutes disappearing. It was risky but I think we both needed more than that.

“We’ll need to be quiet, JaeJoong,” I whispered against his lips. He gave me a soft and slow kiss in agreement.

We made love slower in the beginning that night. We took time to feel each other. What spread blood to our groins wasn’t lust or sexual frustration, but the feeling of each other’s hands gently running all over each other’s bodies. His soft fingers stroked my thighs and his warm hands caressed my chest. His thumbs would rub my nipples as they reached them, but then carry on stroking the rest of my skin. It was a fluid motion that drove me crazy and made my nipples harden as I waited in a complete daze for his fingers to repeat the cycle and come back to the sensitive areas.

All agony ended when his lips and tongue kissed the hardened nubs and sucked gently on them. In the quiet of the night, I could hear every sound his tongue made as his lips sucked on my nipples and left my chest moist. It was slow ecstasy at its greatest, to hear him do those things to me.

He lay on top of me as he worked and my hands ran over his broad back and over his buttocks. A finger slipped in between and I felt his silent moan coat my chest in warmth. I teased the tight ring with my finger and felt him grow even harder against my belly.

Both of our erections had to swell with no immediate release—we weren’t nearly done with each other yet. Our sensual caressing needed to carry on further until every hair on our skin had risen in a needy shiver. Tonight sleep would not do until his soft skin had been properly felt and explored. I couldn’t mark my territory until I had uncovered all of the delight it held for me. Only until I had discovered all of its beauty would I be willing to thrust my pole into its depth to truly mark my presence.

With his back against my soft sheets, I slowly drove in deep. Like a volcano, his innards were searing hot against my flesh and I plunged in deeper and deeper to find the core.

My bedsprings creaked in a steady rhythm and I paused when I finally took note of how dangerous that sound was. We looked at each other in the dark, breathing deep together but no longer moving.

After a moment of agony, I moved into him again but more creaks sounded below us.

“Floor,” JaeJoong whispered. His voice was so husky and thick with desire that I almost came prematurely.

In a quick movement, I slipped out of him and he pulled me down onto the floor with him. “Lift your head up,” I whispered and slipped my pillow under his head. He pulled me in for a kiss and I buried myself into him again. I could feel his swollen penis rubbing against our chests and dampening our skin. It needed more attention than just that and my hand gave it to it.

JaeJoong’s head pushed against the pillow as his back arched off the floor. I only had limited lighting to see such a sexy curve of his body but even that was enough to drive my crazy.

I needed more skin though. I needed to feel more skin beneath my mouth and against my chest. There was a position we had yet to try and tonight seemed a good time now that the comfy mattress could no longer properly cushion JaeJoong’s body.

I slipped out of him again and urged him to turn around. With his forehead in the pillow and his legs bent under him, I cupped his erection in my hand more freely and thrust into him again. The pillow caught his moan and muffled it and I used the damp skin of his back to muffle mine. I kissed and nipped at his beautiful flesh until the pleasure started becoming too much again and my chest fell against his back in a moment of fierce momentum. We rocked forward and back together in a steady rhythm, attached not only from our lower bodies but with chest to back melting into one another as well.

He pushed himself off the pillow and rested properly on all fours. He turned his head to look over his shoulder and I realized he wanted a kiss. I gladly moved my head in sync to give it to him.

The muscles of his backside tightened around my erection as his body released its warm milk and his sweet moans filled my mouth. He was trying so hard to keep quiet as he rode his orgasm out and for the most part he was managing it. My floor would need a good cleaning afterwards though. He was after all a healthy man and I could not contain all of his cum in my hand.

Feeling my own orgasm strike, my hand slipped away from his soaking penis and grasped onto his belly for support. The heavenly blast of undiluted ecstasy poured through me until two very damp bodies slowly dropped to the floor.

I waited for our breath to come back before I moved out of his warm body and pulled us up again. “Just relax now,” I murmured against his lips when he lay back down in my bed. “I’ll be back in a sec.”

I slipped into the bathroom and groped around in the dark for a new hand towel I could soak. We used it to wipe the sticky substances off our bodies and then I quickly cleaned the floor. JaeJoong waited for me to finish, refusing to fall asleep until I was back holding him in bed.

We kissed some more under the sheets but then our tired limbs caught up to us and grew too heavy for anything but sleep.

“I love you, Kim JaeJoong.”

Jaejoong rubbed his nose against mine and nuzzled against my cheek as he said the words I treasured the most back to me. “I love you too, Jung Yunho.”

We both awoke the next morning at the same time thanks to my father as he shut the bathroom door too loudly before his shower. We had fallen asleep cuddling each other and somehow that had turned into spooning during our sleep. I must have been the culprit…

As the showerhead turned on in the next room, I felt JaeJoong twitch in front of me and I smiled. Was he uncomfortable on his side but unwilling to move? I freed him from the embrace and rolled onto my back with a yawn.

He turned around onto his other side and smiled at me in a silent greeting. “You look so cute right now,” he said. “I missed your bed hair.”

I chuckled through another yawn. “Judging from the state of yours, I think it’s more than just bed hair, Joongie.”

“God. We’re animals.”

A burst of laughter escaped me. “We’re not that bad. We’re hot blooded men.”

“So really there is no difference.”

I shook my head in amusement and then rolled over to pinch his cheek with a small smirk. “We’re not animals, Joongie. Animals don’t do this…” I leaned in to kiss him slowly. For the duration of my father’s shower it’s all we did.

Breathing evenly again on the pillow, I gazed at him. His soft eyes caught mine and gazed back at me. Could you kiss with your eyes? Because it certainly felt like it. He had such beautiful eyes…

I reached over to touch the corner of one with my thumb. His eyelashes felt so soft occasionally fluttering against it. “Your eyes…” I murmured. “They know too much about things, about the world. They’ve seen too much. But sometimes they are so big and innocent.”

He looked a little flustered by my words and I smiled before blowing on his face. He squirmed at the sensation that had come out of nowhere and his flustered face returned to normal, as I had hoped it would.

“Err…” I gave his face one more caress with my thumb before leaving him alone. “My dad’s out now so did you want to have a shower while I make us some breakfast? Bearing in mind I’m not a chef like you and ‘basic’ is as far as my talent extends to.”

A smile spread across his face. “I’d like that.”

“Just remember you said that!”

He laughed and pushed my shoulder.

“No really,” I grinned back. “You can’t take that back later.”

Still chuckling, I led him to the bathroom door again—with clothes on—and then headed off to the kitchen by myself. My mother was in there pouring some orange juice and I took the bottle from her when she was done to pour two more.

“You look well rested,” she said, but I didn’t miss her ‘for a change’ undertone.

“Thanks, Umma. You look good too.”

She pulled out some fruit from the fridge. “I didn’t think my son would giggle more than my daughter so early in the morning.”

“Oh… I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. It was cute.” She cut a few slices of banana to add to my father’s plate. “Even if one never amounts to much in life, it’s nice to at least be happy.”

I screwed the lid back on tightly until my palm stung.

“What shift do you have today?”

“Night.”

“Be sure to eat beforehand. Do you want me to make you something?”

“No thank you. Junsu and I will eat together before.”

“Alright then.” She squeezed my shoulder and headed out to the dining table.

I let out a long sigh. My mother could be so… I shook my head and got to work on breakfast. I made something that I hoped was edible and loaded up my hands with as much as I could carry. If I had more hands I would have been able to grab our juice as well but my waiter skills were quite appalling and I didn’t want to risk spillage.

I pushed my bedroom door open with my foot and then froze. In front of me JaeJoong lay still in the middle of my bed. His hair was wet and parts of it fell across his face in a real mess. An eerie glow from the gaps in the closed blinds made him look really pale.

My hands shook and the breakfast plates clattered loudly onto my desk despite my attempt to place them down safely. His eyes still didn’t open through the noise.

My breath halted. My heart thumped. My stomach churned. I couldn’t move.

I’d seen this before. Somewhere… Somehow… If I moved, it would become a reality and I didn’t want that. I’d stay still for eternity if it meant not having to face it.

Right then my sister ran loudly down the small hallway in a race to beat Yoochun to the bathroom. She closed the door in his face with a loud bang and her victorious giggles echoed from inside the small bathroom. Yoochun’s fists pounded against the door noisily and he shouted out a “YAH!” whilst laughing.

Back in my room, JaeJoong’s eyes opened at the ongoing commotion and he frowned in confusion.

And just like that my paralysis ended. I could move again and my breath returned.

It had all happened so fast. It almost felt like nothing had happened—and nothing had happened. My body had acted on its own accord over nothing. But…why?

More awake now, JaeJoong glanced at my pained face and he sat up in a jiffy. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep with wet hair on your pillow. I put my towel under me so I wouldn’t wet anything.” He quickly patted the pillow beneath the towel ad his hair fell over his face again. “It’s only a little damp.” He shook his hair back out of his eyes to look at me again.

I let out a relieved breath (although not for the reasons he thought) and finally allowed myself to feel calm again. “It’s fine, babe.”

Climbing onto the bed, I straddled him on my knees and cupped his face in my hands. I flicked his clingy, wet locks off his face to see all of his glowing skin and then moved in to kiss his lips urgently. It was a kiss that drew on and only faltered from lack of air.

As soon as I moved away, he gasped for air, inhaling as much oxygen as he could back into his lungs. A small smile spread over my face as I watched him recovering. “You know, I’m really going to miss looking at this face soon…”

“It’ll be fine,” he said, still a little breathless. “After the time we’ve already spent apart, what’s one or two more weeks? Another little wait isn’t going to kill us.” He looked at me as he felt my body shiver against him and he frowned. “What? What’s wrong?”

“N-Nothing.”

“Why did you tremble just then?”

“I dunno.” It was the truth. “I think I had a bad dream or something coz I’ve been really sensitive all morning.”

“In what way?”

“Just…uneasy.”

He glanced over my shoulder at my desk and smiled. “Are you really that nervous about me eating your cooking?”

My eyes widened and then I laughed. “Very, actually…” I jumped off him and off the bed. “No, stay!” I called out when he moved to follow. “Don’t you leave that bed. It’s coming to you.”

“Yunho…” he sighed but looked happy in that really adorable shy way of his.

I passed him one of the plates and dashed out to get our orange juice. When I returned, he scooted over on the bed and made sure I sat beside him as we ate. He finished everything I made for him.

“Ah, the sacrifices one makes when in love,” I chuckled as I glanced down at his empty plate.

“One more self-belittling comment out of you and I’ll crack the plate over your head.”

I grinned. “Joongie! Your violence turns me on.”

He turned and gave me a look. “Lately, even me sneezing or pooping or burping could turn you on.”

I nodded in agreement. “And blinking. Blinking’s the biggest one. You better stop blinking or something could happen.”

“Because I can stop blinking!” He laughed and pushed me away before I could get close enough to tempt him again.

“My point exactly. You’re forever in danger of turning me on now. I hope you’re happy.”

He didn’t reply, just stared at me with a calm smile and let me move in closer again. When my lips found his all over again, he didn’t fight it.

HyunAe finished her shower.

Yoochun finished his shower.

And we ran out of breath again.

///TBC///

A/N: Awww, hope you enjoyed the various sets of YunJae moments in this chappie! Finally those two dorks expressed their proper "ILU" to each other. It was a long time coming! *gives them a thumbs up*

hehe right now I'm literally half asleep updating this coz I just got back from the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras pride parade and I am so pooped. My mind is still in feathers and glitter and tighty-whities so I have nothing intelligent to say here but I didn't want to keep this update hidden for another night when I had already finished it. ^^

Alrighty, I'm going to try and get some sleep and then I will launch myself at all your awesome comments you left on the previous chapter! Hugs to you all. <3

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Jae's visit to Seoul sure made Yunho so flabbergasted eh, he never imagined that Jae would ever leave his little town to come so far to the big city! A very pleasant surprise for Yunho indeed!
The first smut really portrayed Yunjae's feelings of missing each other, the urgency of it all! Yummmm.....
But then came the topic of Yunho's seemingly thin body. Both showed a bit extreme reactions, Jae's mother and Yunho's teenage years!? More layers revealed?
And what's with Yunho's reaction to seeing Jae lying wet-haired on his bed? Is it something connected to his dreams?
The second smut sure took the cake. Yunjae taking their sweet time and prolonging the pleasure! Double yummmmm!!
Thanks for the update!!! ♥♥

Lost in the fog of one's mind...

The Beacon; My Siren - Chap 26

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