Echo of Dusk - Chapter VIII (SECTION 2)
Feb. 25th, 2008 03:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wild_terrainTitle: Echo of Dusk
Author: wild_terrain (ie. fi_chan)
Banner:
Chapter: [8/20?]
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU
Summary: Two men met one cold, winters day. One, a cook's assistant, the other a young lawyer. The year was 1950, when this instant attraction occured... However, the threat of civil war loomed and the two found themselves faced with the risk of seperation. Yunho swore he'd protect JaeJoong at all cost...but can he really?
THIS IS THE SECOND SECTION, OKEE DOKEES?
(Yunho cocooned cont.)
I had never heard such anger in someone-else’s voice before, apart from my own voice recently.
My arms slid loose and I slowly looked up, in bewilderment. Hangeng was towering over me and his unrealistic height added to his ferocious air.
“What do you think you are doing?” he continued to yell. “We are not even safe yet and you are already acting in this way?!”
“I’m so angry, I could die,” I hissed.
“Aren’t we all?! What makes you so special?”
“He was my lover!” I screamed. “People ruined my lover!”
“And now you think you have the right to do the same?”
“Excuse me?!”
“There is a boy over there going out of his mind with worry for you!”
“I’m sorry,” I growled. “I’m trying to deal with everything in the best way I can.”
“Yunho-shii, it is terrible what happened. But do not be like this. Do not give him the wrong idea!”
“Wrong idea? What the hell are you talking about?!”
Hangeng glared down at me in frustration. “Look, he’s already scared to the bones of you both being separated again. But you giving him the impression that you cannot stand being near him is not going to help his fear!”
My mouth was gaping open. “But…” I could barely string my words together. “Y-You know that’s not true!”
“Sure. But he does not.” Hangeng sighed and stamped both feet down in a frustrated jig. “Look, Yunho-shii,” he replied, finally calming down. “Think of it his way. You’ve been assaulted…and things are already awkward between you and your lover. But now as soon as he accidentally gets too close to you he runs away, disgusted.”
“I was never disgusted!” I defended, completely appalled.
“Did not look that way to me.”
I stared up at him unblinkingly. “At least that explains your yelling fit, earlier.”
“Yes…I am sorry. I overreacted. I got mad.”
“Evidently,” I sighed. “I was just reminded of the injustice and got flooded by my own anger and helplessness.”
“I see that now.” Now he was the one sighing. “I’m so exhausted, Yunho-shii. Can we keep going on our food journey?”
“We’re not walking through
”Speak for yourself,” he grumbled, walking away from me towards wherever JaeJoong was sitting.
After a few more minutes of peace, I pushed myself back up and walked back as well.
“Are we going?” JaeJoong asked me quietly when I finally reached them.
“If you want,” I replied, trying to sound cheerful. I was worried for a moment that JaeJoong might have mistaken my reaction earlier like Hangeng had. But whether he had or not, it was clear that he still wanted me to be the one carrying him - he had gazed at me with those expectant, puppy dog eyes of his and I had absolutely no choice but to kneel down and let him reattach himself to me again.
His long, thick hair was still wet and occasionally trickled little drops of water down my back. But I didn’t mind at all – I loved feeling it because it confirmed for me how real our existence was.
Our trip this time around was filled with silence. We were all tired and hungry and emotionally drained.
I could feel JaeJoong’s hot forehead back against my shoulder blade in no time at all. In fact, I had just gotten used to his fevered cheek against my back again when it was suddenly lifted off me. My eyes widened as I felt a new sensation…his soft, hesitant lips pressing down onto the skin of my neck. I slowly let out a smile.
Yes JaeJoong, I’m okay now. You don’t need to worry.
We ended up traveling like this for another three days before I found land I recognized. Not many brigades were around because of the supposed heavy stalemate, which was both good and bad, I supposed. Good, because it meant we weren’t mistaken for North Koreans and killed. But bad, because it took longer to find help.
I could scarcely believe it when I stumbled across my old camping ground. We had of course moved on after JaeJoong’s capture but…so many memories rested in this one area. Me and JaeJoong had only really existed in this place. He lost his virginity (so to speak) here…and had also been taken away from me here.
It was hard to believe such conflicting emotions had occurred in this tiny patch of land. I had started off deliriously happy in my innocent love, and then drifted into complete mental breakdown when I found myself suddenly alone.
And now we had arrived full circle. I had taken JaeJoong back to our old home. Only…there was nothing here anymore…just the echoes of ghosts laughing in love and feeling that nothing could ever have gone so wrong.
“JaeJoongie,” I whispered, pulling at the arm he had lazily draped over my neck. “Look.”
“Huh…” he sleepily replied.
I lifted his relaxed hand from where he had laid it on my collar bone and kissed it. “Our old home.”
“Whaddya mean?”
“Can you believe it’s been six months and we haven’t done anything yet?” I teased, echoing his naughty words from the past.
I felt him sitting more alert on my back. “The camp?”
“Mmhmm.”
“Put me down.”
“What? Why?”
“Just do it!”
“Okay, okay,” I laughed, waiting for Hangeng to help JaeJoong get off.
Once he was down, JaeJoong stood still, staring somewhere out in front of him. “It looks odd. Like everyone left me behind.”
“We had no choice,” I quietly replied. “I waited for you…to come back. I waited for five months.” My throat was getting incredibly choked up.
“Where was our tent?” I could barely hear him.
“I’m not entirely sure now. Over there I think,” I mused, gesturing to our right.
I watched with Hangeng as JaeJoong slowly walked away from us towards the empty patch in the near distance. I knew this was something he had to do alone.
“Hangeng-hyung!” JaeJoong called. “This is where Yunho and I used to sleep everyday.”
I carefully sat down on a log which had fallen nearby and watched as JaeJoong relived his past, giving Hangeng a tour of the whole area.
I was trying not to think. Unlike JaeJoong, this place held too many depressing memories for me. The year I had spent here with JaeJoong had slowly been eroded and replaced with dark, horrifying memories of how I lost my identity the year he had disappeared. That year, all the good memories I had had were suddenly transformed into painful, bittersweet memories used only for the purpose reminding me of the possible happy life I could have continued to lead if it had not been snatched away from me in an instant.
JaeJoong eventually stopped. He remained standing solemnly off-centre in the old camp ground. But by the look on his face I could immediately sense the danger of his thoughts. I flew off the log and ran to him.
“This was err…the medical tent,” I heard him softly informing Hangeng.
“JaeJoong…” I warned.
“And then I…” he stopped speaking and started to float away from us.
“JaeJoong, stop it!” I begged. But he was ignoring me.
“I walked here to…find…”
I followed his steps, my eyes already starting that annoying prickling sensation.
“…But you weren’t…”
“I was in my tent,” I whispered. “Getting more bullets.”
“And then…”
“Then…” I echoed, ignoring the salty taste on my lips.
JaeJoong never finished his sentence, but just stood motionless and gazed in front of him into the past I couldn’t see.
“I love you…” I sobbed, my trembling hands covering up my face, digging into my cheeks and slipping over the wet skin.
I couldn’t do anything but stand and cry into my hands, absorbed in complete darkness and feeling the protection that my hands provided me with. I was trying so desperately to block everything out - the light…the wind…the memories…
But now, back in this place, all I could remember was how much I had missed him and how alone I had been and how lost and abandoned I’d felt. The pain was so overwhelming I was propelled back into the past. I thought I was alone again…that JaeJoong was MIA…and that I’d die alone here without him.
I was stuck living in this depressing world. With no salvation. With no exit out.
I felt myself falling downwards, my legs collapsing in despair. I thought I was crashing down onto the hard dirt, but I wasn’t. I hadn’t known JaeJoong had already been holding me for so long. Ever since I had first blocked the sunlight out with my hands, he had been there, anxiously holding me. How had I not noticed? How had I failed to realize he’d been holding me up for such a long time?
“I didn’t know what happened to you. I didn’t know where you were. I didn’t know if you were alive. I was…so alone.”
“I know, Yunho,” he whispered, hugging me as tightly as he could manage.
“Are you okay, Joongie?”
“I’m okay, Yunho.”
“Are you hurt, Joongie?”
“I’m not hurt, Yunho.”
“Are you suffering, Joongie?”
“No, I’m not suffering, Yunho.”
“Are you in pain, Joongie?”
“I’m not in pain, Yunho.”
“You’re fine…?”
“I’m fine.”
Of course he had been lying to me, but at that horrendous moment in time, seeing me in such a state of disarray he had so desperately wanted to calm me down.
I could not explain what I was feeling at that time. Had I been resorted into becoming a child? A child who needed reassurance that the nightmare wasn’t real? Needing the illusion that everything was normal and no one was in pain and the aftershock from the nightmare would soon disappear as reality struck and calmed me down?
JaeJoong was painting me a beautiful canvas. With every stroke of paint he was creating a beautiful illusion for me. That he was not hurting, that we had never experienced the torture of separation, that soon I would no longer feel the pain either.
“You are okay…it was just a bad dream…” I was telling myself.
”Yes, Yunho my darling, it was all a bad dream.”
His voice was so calming. I pressed my head against his chest and let my eyes close. I was so happy to have him here. Even though we had experienced the plains of hell, I would still go through it if I knew we’d still end up like this…together and helping each other stand. At least this way I would have felt love rather than nothing at all.
I’d rather be more broken -
yet more satisfied
Than less broken -
and less fulfilled
I’d rather the bitter-sweetness to be
one million times sweeter
and just as bitter
I allowed my tears slide for one last time, hidden under JaeJoong’s protection.
That is why I want -
need -
to see you
When the damage is already done.
But -
how can every touch
every kiss
every everlastingly sweet moment
be “damage”?
“We’ll make it back and we will be happy again,” I vowed.
*refer to Chapter 3
A/N: Everything in pink was a poem that my amazingly talented friend "G.M.D" wrote. When she showed it to me I found it suited JaeHo’s situation so perfectly in this fic. Thank you for letting me use it hun, and I really do hope that you’ll get your happy ending once all the months are shed.
See if you guys can figure out the point of this chapter… I can’t seem to pin it down to one specific thing. I guess sometimes the strong need to be leant a little strength as well. OMG I’ve turned philosophical, fearrrrrrr me. ^^;;
COMMENT and I’ll love you forever… XD
