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[personal profile] wild_terrain

(This isn't an update. If I accidentally got people's hopes up, I apologise.)

The Confessions of a Fanfic Writer... (lol)

The Beacon; My Siren... Man, the thoughts I have on that fic.

To make the final chapters the best they can be, I've set myself the task to re-read bits of the 700+ pages I have written thus far. The things you learn when you re-read... And the things you cringe at when you re-read... ergh. I realised I started writing TBMS before the lawsuit and that was so lonnng ago now (sob). You learn new writing tips every day, so I am really struggling to re-read the bits I wrote years ago. Chapter One was so bad I had to edit bits, fix grammar, and re-uploaded it to LJ LOL. It was so appalling to me, I could not let it slide. Every fic writer out there knows what I am talking out--how torturous it is to re-read your old work. ^^;;

I've said this before, but a real downside to writing fanfiction if you upload it before you've written it as a whole is that you can so easily screw it up. During my short time re-reading, I've already had enough hindsight to think: dammmn, I should have cut that whole part out, or gah, that whole arc is unnecessary. It's the kind of thing that you can only see once you've written the whole story/most of the story. But it's too late to fix any of it... (and I suppose that even though some parts are really long-winded, people still like reading it because these days we miss YunJae and want as much of them as we can with no precious time cut out even if being more concise makes a better story lol. Or maybe it's just me).

Anyhoos, my point is that I do apologise that this fic turned out being more complicated than it needed to be. An idea was simple in my head but then when it came to writing certain parts, it wasn't simple. An element that was supposed to be simple, spawned into something I started losing control over. That in turn created an arc that didn't need to be there (I've complained about this to my beta already, but now I am complaining to you, haha). This means that I've had to go with the flow even though I started not liking the flow. That's probably why it has taken much longer to write than I ever thought (seriously, 700+ pages is insane. So many facepalms right now lol).  I once read that a mental block isn't really that you lose a muse, but a sign that something is wrong/isn't working in your story that you are unhappy about. I believe that now.

I will continue writing it to the end, though. Even if I've lost control with some parts, it's still better than an unfinished story. I know writers can't help it, but an unfinished story is probably the worst thing you could ever do. So rest assured, I have a strict policy with myself to always finish what I start--and boy does it work. I've had so many other fic ideas but I've never been able to properly write them because of the voice in my head yelling: CREATIVITY DENIED: FINISH TBMS FIRST! lolll.

With this rant, I guess I just wanted to let you know my current feelings. I normally err over revealing behind the scenes thoughts of fanfics because you can transmit your own thoughts into people's heads (eg: I hate this chapter, this part was all wrong coz blahhhh = the reader can then think, 'oh now that I think about it, that's true. Yuck.'). And the last thing I'd want would be to people to think: yehh TBMS does suck, now that I think about it. LOL. I just could no longer keep my thoughts to myself though. I'm sorry TBMS is so long-winded. I'm sorry Jae is the most fickle person in the world. It wasn't supposed to be this complicated. If I could start again, half this fic would be changed lol. But I can't, so please bear with me. Having said all this, I still adore TBMS. Buried beneath the blah-blah, the themes I wished to convey are still very much there and it's verrrrrrry close to my heart in ways I can't even begin to explain. So TBMS, I love you, I do, I just wish you were better behaved, lollll.

If I become a better writer one day, I'd love to re-do TBMS.

But it still amazes me that despite everything, people still come to my journal to read what I write and feel beautiful things for TBMS. You guys are truly incredible and it means so much to me, really. Thank you to everyone still here on the journey with me. And to the people who took a different path (whether it be from emoshinki, interest in new groups, love for new pairings in other groups, or TBMS wasn't for them), I am sorry to see you go but I hope you've found joy in other areas of your life or alternate fandoms. And to all the newwww people who joined me, god love ya! I hate the quiet so it's nice having people around. =D

That's me, over and out. Wish me luck finishing the last little bit....which isn't little, but compared to the 700+ pages so far, it is. =P

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