wild_terrain: (JJ Believe)
[personal profile] wild_terrain
Title: The Beacon; My Siren
Author: wild_terrain (iefi_chan)
Banner (Made beautifully by love_cassiopeia
Chapter: [36/ 40?]
Rating: MA15+
Genre: AU
 [FLANGST, mystery, spirituality, romance]
Summary: Philophobia… The fear of falling in love or being in love. I didn’t know such a thing existed until I met him… Kim JaeJoong was my age—a youthful 25 years—and the owner of a popular café, yet he was already known around town as the mysterious hermit who had chosen to completely withdraw from the world. How on earth could someone so young be afraid of loving others to the point of secluding themselves from all human beings? What was he afraid of? What was he hiding? I just didn’t understand it. And by that stage, the need to understand it was all I could think about... In fact, he was all I could think about…

Jung Yunho… For all of my life I had grown up away from the limelight. I couldn’t stand being noticed by anybody, and for a long time I thankfully never was. But then you came and suddenly you were everywhere – waving to me as I swept the café after closing, saying hello to me as you cycled past the bench I was sitting on, helping me carry my groceries inside whilst talking non-stop to me as if we were actually friends… Why are you always around making my heart thump erratically? Why do you even care? The more you try to explore this town, the more I need to step up and protect you from your own curiosity, because I know It is out there and I know It wants to harm you…


Beta = moon1084 <3 

A/N: Another long one, as always. Enjoy. ^_^

Two weeks passed without my ever seeing Yunho. I had a phone call or two where I was able to hear his voice but the calls didn’t tell me much despite their length. Whenever I tried to find out how he was and what he had been doing, his answers were always short and vague before he’d steer the conversation away from himself and onto me.

My life was very simple; I don’t know how he was able to squeeze so much out of me. Every day I just ran the café, took a walk through the park and worried about him. I was sure his life in the city was far busier and interesting but he wouldn’t tell me anything. Certainly nothing that would explain the strange phone calls I had overheard before he left town. All I knew was that he was back at work after arranging something with his boss. I could only take that as a good sign—it was hard to monitor the curse’s progress when I was absent from his life but it couldn’t have been weakening him too much if he had been seen fit to work by his boss.

His refusal to talk about himself was nagging at me though. I was used to the shorter sentences he spoke instead of the once overflowing sentences that never seemed to end but it still felt like something wasn’t quite right.

Then my fears grew—there were no more phone calls. I got up the nerve to ring him but only ever reached his voicemail. I received a text message telling me he was sorry he hadn’t been able to call me back but he was busy. And then a few days later after another failed call, I got another message telling me not to worry but he was tired and didn’t feel up to talking.

I showed Yoochun the text messages. He read them slowly and then asked if we had had a fight. I told him of course we hadn’t and he asked if I was certain, if maybe we had and I hadn’t realised it at the time. Again, I assured him we had had very boring, angst-free phone calls in the past two weeks.

“I dunno, maybe he was just tired,” Yoochun offered but I didn’t miss the look in his eye that said: ‘oh boy…’

Yunho clearly needed space so I gave it to him. The problem was it meant I couldn’t sleep too well at night—I had nothing but my worries to keep me company. As I listened to the waves crashing over the rocks outside my window it felt like more and more pieces of Yunho were eroding away, as sure as the rocks were beneath the ocean’s foam. Was he ever coming back?

I found myself at my limits the third night I couldn’t negotiate any sleep. I just couldn’t stand it anymore and dialed his number. It was four in the morning but for once I didn’t let that stop me.

I curled up under the covers and listened to the beeps my phone made. I tried to picture a pretty ball of light flying out of my chest and through the walls, travelling the long distance between us with no trouble. With each beep it flew over paddocks and roads, getting closer and closer to Yunho. When there was a click, I knew it had found him and awakened him for me.

“Hello?” an incredibly groggy voice spoke.

I remained silent. I was too relieved to hear his voice to even speak.

“JaeJoong? Is there something wrong?” His voice was thick with sleep and perhaps the delirium of being in two worlds at once that often seemed to happen when one was suddenly woken up. “What’s wrong?”

I felt my heart swell at that. I couldn’t help but wonder if he would have even bothered to pick the phone up if it had been someone else’s name flashing across his screen. Right now I needed a perfect world so I settled for the delusion that he wouldn’t have bothered for anyone else. I had kept him waiting long enough for an explanation though so I told him the truth, “I can’t sleep.”

“Don’t you normally get up soon anyway?”

“I haven’t been able to sleep yet.”

“Oh.” There was a long pause. “Are you okay?”

I nuzzled my head further into my pillow and brought my legs up to my chest. “I’m sorry to wake you up. I just knew that if I heard your voice everything would be okay.”

There was an even longer pause this time then a muffled sound that resembled a sigh. He didn’t sound annoyed though; maybe amused. “Is it?”


“Is everything okay now?”

I closed my eyes and listened to my slow breathing. “Yes it is.”

“That’s good. Get some sleep, Joongie.”

That sounded like an ending. I didn’t want an ending.

My heart jumped into my throat. “I miss you!”

“I miss you too.”

“I wish you were here.”

“I am.”


A slow breath. “Close your eyes.”


“I’m kissing your forehead,” he whispered. “And now I’m stroking your hair.” With my eyes closed and the soft whispers in my ear it did feel possible. Then even softer words were spoken: “Go to sleep, sweetie.”


There was another amused exhale. “Dream of beautiful things now.”

I nodded into the pillow. I was glad I was so sleepy that the sound of a click and then silence wasn’t as lonely as it could have been.

In the morning it felt like a dream. Maybe it had been. Maybe that had been my dream of beautiful things. But there my phone was beside my pillow, inches from my curled up hand.

He may as well have remained a dream after that. I rolled over one morning and realised it had been a month since I’d last seen him. Now I thought about him all the time. I felt his absence even when other people were around. I worked on an unfinished portrait of him when there was nothing else to do during the day and I imagined his kisses over my skin at night when the lights were off and the silence was too loud. Sometimes when I was in the mood to deal with technology, I brought out the phone he had bought me to watch the video he had once recorded for me. Other times I just sat on a bench near the cycle track and watched the kids goofing around.

Then one night Yoochun stayed late after his shift and we sat in my room playing cards and laughing over silly things. Yoochun taught me some new games that had started gaining popularity and I was relieved to find I wasn’t that bad at them.

Another day passed and I bumped into Changmin at the park. His university was on a small break and taking out a new book to read under the shade was long overdue for him. It was one I hadn’t heard of before and he let me read over his shoulder.

That afternoon I came out of the grocery store with ingredients for my dinner when a dog started barking at me. After looking around I found the little guy tied around a fence pole outside the fish and chip shop. The shop was fairly new but seemed to be doing well. The smell of salt and fish was delicious and I could feel my stomach growling in agreement. The dog certainly had no complaints. I put my groceries down and pet the excited little thing. He nuzzled into my hand and then licked my palm.

The smell of lemon teased my nostrils when his owner came out of the shop armed with a warm meal wrapped up in white butcher’s paper. We gazed at each other and the recognition clicked in. The man smiled widely and I returned the gesture.

“That smells good,” I said.

“It sure does.”

“I’ll let you go eat it then.”

“Have a good evening, boy.”

I gave his dog one more scratch behind the ears and watched the man who had helped rescue me on the beach wind the red dog leash around his wrist and set off home.

It was nice bumping into so many people around town I knew and liked. But as I cooked my dinner and then sat by my bed to eat it by myself, I realised that out of the faces I had seen this week, one wasn’t there. I really wanted to see that one. That one felt even more like home.

I washed up my plate and frying pan and then crawled into bed and watched the moon rise higher through the uncovered window. I wondered what all of my friends were doing. Was Yoochun out drinking with friends? Was Changmin reading in bed with the pillows plumped up around him?

I wondered what my family were doing too. Could they see me right now? Were they all together somewhere? Were they happy? Did they miss me? And what of the old couple who took me in—were they satisfied with how the café was running? Did they mind that I had changed the name of it? Café JaDe had been named after my brother and I. When the rights of the café had been handed over to me, there had been no one left in town who knew about my family. If something happened to me I didn’t want their memory to die.

Maybe that wasn’t all. Maybe I hoped that if I lived in a place named after my brother he’d be there still and if he was still there I could live by myself with courage…

I hoped everyone was happy. Everyone in heaven and everyone still here with me. If I could have one wish that would be it.

Then, as I finally began to feel sleepy, I found myself wondering the thing I had tried so hard not to think about. I wondered what Yunho was doing too…

I woke to a busy weekend. A big family reunion had been booked at Café JaDe and it was all hands on deck. I helped out in the kitchen and for a moment it felt like old times—when this was where community was for me, before Yunho and Yoochun drew me out and introduced me to a bigger world. It was a nice feeling to be a part of something again. Handling bills and pay slips and ordering supplies in a room separate to everyone else was far less satisfying even if it meant I got less sweaty and less burn marks.

Yoochun came in with a new bunch of orders and I glanced at them before reaching over for different ingredients. A smile ghosted over my face as I remembered the times Yunho had been in here trying to help me cook. He made a great assistant—when he wasn’t trying to pinch food for himself to snack on. It was kind of funny that whenever he was in here his everything was too much until it felt like there were too many people in the kitchen—yet at the same time it felt like just he and I were there. The old he and I that is…

I shook the pan and dodged the steam that rose up. I had to admit that what I was making smelt really good. I hadn’t had the chance to eat a proper dinner yet. I’d have to control myself and not pinch food like Yunho.

When things started to calm down, I left the kitchen and wandered out into the main café area. Yoochun smiled as I past and gave a “hey boss” with a nod. I found a spare table and started to eat a late dinner. I could have taken it upstairs, I supposed, but it was nice being around so many smiling and laughing family members, even if they weren’t mine.

The atmosphere was addictive. None of these people really noticed me so I sat in peace and watched everyone unabashedly. I liked pretending I was an invisible extension of this family gathering.

As I sipped some wine, the conversation closest to me from the lingering guests grew easier to hear. I hid my smiles behind the glass as one amusing story after the other was shared. But then people started to leave and there was less noise and less laughter. I watched each person walk out the door and then my staff started to disappear too. I smiled at each of them as they left and gave Yoochun an extra wave as he headed out the door. Suddenly I was left alone with the dirty tables I insisted I’d clean up for my waiters. It was a lonely sight. Used plates lay abandoned in front of empty chairs… It was like I was catering for ghosts.

Maybe that wasn’t so far off. That’s what my family was.

The usual disappointment swept through me and joined the tightness in my chest. I sat back down and stared at my nearly empty wine glass. The remaining liquid was a little bitter but I kept on drinking.

Occasionally shadows passed the café on the footpath outside—out for a night walk or returning home to their families.

The glass was warm against my fingers as I played with the stem. The glass clinked against my chopsticks as I turned it around and around. Waves crashed against the bank outside just as they always did. Combined with my glass, it was an odd combination of bass and melody.

There was a sigh and the glass lay abandoned as I propped my chin up over my palm. I glanced around the room. Mine was the one plate that needed clearing now, but as always the floor needed its nightly sweep and there were still a few chairs that needed to go up onto the tables. It wouldn’t take too long to do, but even so I didn’t think I’d make it through without wetting the floor—that wine was going straight through me.

I quickly washed my plate up in the café kitchen and then ran upstairs to relieve myself. As I was coming back down I heard a noise and paused on the staircase. Sometimes it really wasn’t all that fun living by yourself—even as a man, my heart rate quickened at sounds that didn’t belong.

It came again. A tapping… No, something louder, something bashing against glass. I took a tentative step down. The noise stopped. I waited for my heart to slow down before I took another step down. Then another. But the noise started up again.

With a clearer head, I closed my eyes in relief when I realised it was just someone knocking on the café door. They sounded frantic but otherwise harmless. I could handle that. Yunho had trained me on how to deal with that kind of thing whenever he showed up on his late night excursions.


My heart started to race again but no longer from fear. My legs moved without me and thunked down the staircase almost two at a time. I hated that stupid, perky little kernel of hope that always hid itself somewhere even though I knew better. There was no reason for me to believe that it was actually him but still I ran.

Just in case…

At the last second I stopped as another possibility pulled on the reigns. I couldn’t let hope lead me astray. I had to think logically. Yunho wasn’t the type to knock frantically, even if it was raining. He didn’t care about rain—rain was an outside element and he thrived under those. This knocking was a customer. Or kitchen staff. Someone who had left something behind that I hadn’t noticed yet.

I stepped off the staircase and peered around the corner. One of the shadows that had been passing by on the footpath outside was definitely there. They were carrying something over their shoulder—a large bag. A duffel bag. But my staff used backpacks. It wasn’t them.

I was running, dodging tables. My hand pulled the lock out and the door opened and I was in his arms. There was a thunk as his duffel bag hit the floor to hug me. I had no thoughts, just needs—to be close, to feel him, to smell his cologne…

He moved me forward and then I moved with him as he kicked the door closed behind him. I wasn’t going to let go. If he didn’t like it, it was his fault for being gone for so long—too many unbearable weeks.

“Hey Joongie,” he laughed out, squeezing my waist and then curling his arm around the small of my back again. “I know it’s late—I’m sorry. You know what the train’s like.” Then he let out a long and melodramatic sigh. “I thought I was super screwed this time. I know the lights are on and all but it looked pretty dead—like you weren’t home or you had fallen asleep or something. Boy have I taken my luck for granted before. You were always there sweeping in plain view like a sexy manservant. You were always there to open up the door for me like a personal bellboy even though this is your place. I never stopped to think what the fuck I’d do if you were ever away. Go up into the bush, I suppose and sleep in a tree like that Hunger Games’ chick. Oh!” He stepped back and slapped his forehead with the heel of his palm. “And of course I did the stupidest thing! I left my phone back in my car. And guess what, my car is at the station. Back home. That’s a lot of kilometres away. I wouldn’t have even been able to call you now if you had fallen asleep upstairs. I’d be mega fucked right now. Though I’d probably deserve it. I think there’s only so many times you are allowed to be a lucky bastard,” he laughed. “And I wish I could say it slipped out of my pocket onto the seat of my car somewhere because that really wouldn’t have been all my fault. You can’t help it if you have loose pockets, you know? That’s just bad luck with the angles of the road—”

He was rambling…

“—But no, I didn’t have it in my pockets—I had it out on the console and forgot to pick it up again when I was getting out of the car. It’s all me. Scatter-brained. For eternity.”

No… That isn’t you. You haven’t been scatter-brained for a long time. You haven’t moved enough to be scatter-brained.

“But you’re here!” he gushed. “You haven’t gone to bed yet and I am saved by my own dumb luck again. You know that the bad habits are just gonna continue again because of this, right? My spontaneity has been rewarded again. And that’s like training a dog with chocolate and reinforcing their behaviour. Wait…they aren’t allowed to eat chocolate coz it’s kinda lethal for them… Well, you get me. Fake chocolate then. If I was a dog.”

So much rumbling…

My nose itched and I felt something wet roll off the end. I hadn’t even realised I had been crying… But this was Yunho—not just another shadow passing by on the footpath to someone else and reminding me I was alone. This was a shadow that was mine. In fact, he would have been just a shadow to someone else, passing by their store on their way home—to me. My very own shadow! He wasn’t even just a shadow—he was laughing and rambling and even though I hadn’t said a word he hadn’t stopped talking and I knew he wouldn’t for a little while longer. Because that was Yunho. My shining, loud, thrumming with excess energy Yunho.

I heard myself laugh into his shoulder and then hold onto him tighter. I couldn’t even keep up with everything he said even though I wanted to. I knew to cherish every word that came out of his mouth, especially after everything that had happened but it was just all too surreal to take in. This was from another time. I had gone back in time to when I had ran down those stairs. This was what I wanted…but it wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real.

I closed my eyes and the bubble that was growing bigger in my chest burst into a loud sob. It sounded absolutely awful even to my own ears. If I wasn’t already crying, I would have been from the sound of someone’s pain sounding so raw and jagged. How could someone be in that much pain? How could that someone be me? How had I let that happen?

So I wept as I clung onto him and clung onto the hope I wished would stop cushioning me and prolonging the disappointments.

“Sweetie…” His soft voice said. “What’s—”

“Nothing’s wrong at this particular moment.” I turned to kiss his neck above the line of his jacket. “I’m so happy you are here. I was hosting this beautiful gathering but then everyone left and it was sad and quiet. Sometimes the world feels so big but there’s no one there…”

I nuzzled further into his neck and took a deep inhale of the cologne I sometimes stopped to smell the wind for. “And you’re here. For me. And that means so much. And…” You’re smiling and talking like the old times. It’s a dream too big… It’s more than I ever let myself hope for… “You’re timing is wonderful.”

He hugged me close. “I’m so sorry. I should have been here a long time ago. I know I haven’t been fair to you. I was just so overwhelmed. It got so hard. I needed space away from everyone so I could properly talk to myself without any distractions. I had to start fixing everything that was wrong. How could I keep helping you if I couldn’t help myself? And I love you. And I’m sorry I haven’t been there wherever you called. It was a little hard to manage… Between work and the guy I met—”


“—it got so busy…”

What guy?

“I couldn’t talk to both of you at the same time. It would have been wrong. I knew I just needed to get it out of my system though so I…focused on him a bit…”


“He was really important, Joongie. I really needed him…”

Huh? What does that…

“I saw him a lot.” He let out a wry laugh. “I don’t even know if I should be admitting this to you... It’s important to be honest though, right?”

I was suddenly too scared to look at his face so I kept my head buried in his hair beside his ear. I could just make out the back of his head reflected upon the glass that ran along the perimeter of the café. It’s all I dared look at.

As he continued to speak, his shoulder felt hard beneath my chin. I didn’t dare move though.

“He listened to me. He gave me advice. He made me feel better. It felt so good just being able to talk to someone who wasn’t biased, who hadn’t been involved in any part of my life before.”

So another man brought this kind of happiness to Yunho. More than I had ever done—more than I had been capable of? Yunho had talked to me about things that upset him. He had cried in my arms. But despite all of that, he had remained lethargic. Yunho had talked to this guy, whoever he was, and suddenly he was glowing like his old self?

Anger stirred within me. It was a very dark feeling. The intensity of it almost stole my breath. How had that been hiding in me? Where had it come from?

I couldn’t answer those questions; all I could do was feel mad. Stomach-twisting mad.

“He’s really funny too.” The affection that had softened his voice was starting to make me feel sick. “It felt wrong to laugh at first but his smile was so infectious, you know? And so I realised I actually wanted to see him again.”

If this was the curse… Oh it was good. Yunho had crumbled into nothing around me but now he was blooming with another man. I hadn’t seen this coming—this form of separation. It was really pulling out the big guns now. Yunho had been too hard to defeat up until now. Under different circumstances, I would have felt such pride…but it was hard to feel proud when your own boyfriend was in the middle of telling you he had found someone else who made him happier. He came all this way just to break my heart.

Crippling words delivered from a gentleman.

I took a step back and stared at his face to see if what I was hearing was really true. I had to stop myself from doing a double take when I actually looked at him properly.

When it had clicked that Yunho was standing outside my door, he had been too dark to see and then I had barrelled into him and refused to let go without taking a proper look at him. The voice and the rambling had all been so familiar I hadn’t needed to look. But I saw it now. His cheeks were fuller—and that was a very, very good thing and even my anger had to acknowledge it—but his hair was so different. A little longer than the last time I had seen him, yes, but it was no longer the deep dark brown that matched his eyes. It was so much lighter colour—the light brown of a milky coffee.

It was just hair but it meant something. He had never touched it before. He didn’t concern himself with things like that—appearances were too unimportant. What was the point of looking good if you were just going to get wet and muddy anyway? Why waste money on expensive hair dye when you could use that money to hire a jet ski? That was his philosophy. All the hours he spent at the gym weren’t even for appearances sake. He liked the fitness and muscle tone for the dangerous explorations he did across kilometres of bush and cliffs. You had to be fit for that—and if there was an accident, you had to have muscle to pull yourself away from danger.

I could not understand why he’d want to change himself like that. Why now?

No. I knew why now.

This light brown hair was handsome—too handsome. I had completely underestimated how much hair could alter the way someone looked. I couldn’t stop staring but inside me there was nothing but ambivalence. He had met some guy for a few weeks—a month at most—and suddenly he was image-conscious? Suddenly he was trying to look attractive and fuckable? For him? For some sexy city man?

No wonder he’d been too busy to return any of my calls. I wasn’t interesting enough. I was the country boy. I cleaned up tables and made cookies and drowned in waist-deep water.

My anger turned to plain fury. I found my voice and let myself speak for the first time. “Why are you here?”


“I asked why you are here.”

His eyebrows furrowed and his mouth hung open a little. “J-JaeJoong, I…” Confusion mixed with worry flooded his eyes. “Do you not want me here? I’m sorry for just dropping in. I’m just used to doing that… I know we haven’t spoken for a while but that is what I am trying to explain—”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” The dripping fury made him take a step back. It almost made me laugh—how dare he act like the shocked one. “Have you completely lost your mind? Have you really become that insensitive in your little take a break from JaeJoong holiday that you think you can just knock on my door and expect me to give you a bed after all of the bragging that you found someone new to be with? You talk like it would have no consequence to me, like I’d just accept you trying to sleep with some other guy because, hey, that’s just how things turned out, and since you are happy I should be happy for you and that’s all there is to it!”

To say Yunho was stunned was a gross understatement. His arms were stiff by his side, his eyes frozen in shock. And then he thawed under my gaze and flashes of different emotion burst like fireworks behind his eyes—a flash of confusion, then distress, horror, disgust, anger, repulsion…

“What do you mean?” was all he said.

It was a little too late for him to take his rambling back now. I could have punched him. Here I was, feeling like there was glass sticking into my chest, like my heart was breaking for the nth time under this curse and he was asking such a ridiculous question. I was so angry I didn’t bother to even dignify that with a response.

“My counsellor?” There was incredulity in his eyes. “JaeJoong, are you talking about my counsellor? You’ve got to be kidding me...”

And for a second I wondered the same. But there was no room for embarrassment in the simmering pot of my anger.

“You… You think I slept with my counsellor?!” he repeated. His voice had grown louder as if it was only now sinking in. “You honestly believe I was trying to sleep with my counsellor? My fucking psychologist? Fuck, JaeJoong!”

“Well, didn’t you?” I shouted back. “Have you even heard what you’ve been telling me? ‘I saw him a lot. He was so funny,” I mimicked. “‘I had to focus on him and not you. It felt so wrong at first but his smile was so infectious. I don’t even know if I should even be admitting this to you.’”

“You’re fucking CRAZY!” he shouted. The noise was so loud—harsh. It made my heart jolt despite everything. “How dare you think so low of me! Like I’m so kind of unfeeling, i-insatiable…whore! You’re fucking crazy! Absolutely fucking crazy!” He was scary when he was mad. I almost slipped in my anger into something resembling remorse but the dredges of hurt brought me back at the last minute.

“I’m not crazy,” I countered. I hadn’t meant for that to sound so meek…

Yunho threw me a look of disbelief and bent to pick up his bag. He threw it back over his shoulder and my heart stilled as he moved to step away from me. I thought he was turning to walk back out the door but he only turned far enough to sidestep me and head upstairs. I could hear his boots clomping on the wood with each heavy step.

I found myself frozen in place. What was I meant to do? The café still needed clearing but something was pulling me up the stairs after him. I settled for at least turning off the light before I left the large empty space behind.

I climbed the staircase with less noise but there was no point trying to seem invisible now. When I reached the top, I found Yunho in my room with his back to me and his hands on his hips. I took my place a few meters behind him.

“Am I allowed a bed after coming up here out of the blue and sleeping with my psychologist?” he spoke slowly. I opened my mouth but he spun around to shoot back, “That was sarcasm, JaeJoong.” I closed my mouth. He had pre-empted me. The best I could do now was stare at him.

Then an odd thing happened—a corner of his mouth quirked upwards. And then he was laughing. “Oh god, this is so ridiculous. I thought I was going to come here, make amends and explain what has been happening, then take you up to bed and make love to you. But instead I got accused of having sex with my psychologist—who, by the way, is in his fifties and has children in high school. Oh and two dogs. Mitzy and ZzaZza, incidentally.”

Okay… I could see how that could be a little funny…

My lips quirked up too.

“Your mind is forever fascinating. Even though I am insulted, I can still admit that much,” he said, shaking his head. “How did you get what you got?” His hands were still on his hips but they were a lot more relaxed. “Sure, I got along well with the psychologist. I was told to see him to sort out my worries. It’s important to get along well with your counsellor otherwise you will just hold back and not trust them enough to tell them the real thoughts you have. If you hide your thoughts, you can’t correct them and start healing.

“But JaeJoong, I was close to him in a strictly therapist-patient way. I dug deep through shallow worries into the ones that were really bothering me—the ones you coaxed out of me too. That’s all the deep digging we did. I certainly did not do any deep digging into the unchartered realms of his backside. Honestly, what have you been reading?”

He stepped forward and the hand that had been on his hips lay over each of my shoulders. “When you are trying to sort out your emotions and understand what happened to yourself to make you feel so down all the time and unequipped to handle the world, sometimes you need space from everyone. You need time to reconnect with yourself and think. You need ‘me time’. It’s horribly selfish but it’s also affective. That’s why I had to focus on him instead of other people. When we were talking through the hardest parts of my insecurities and worries, I wasn’t always in the right headspace to return your calls. I wasn’t ready. I told you not to worry though, didn’t I? In those texts I told you I wasn’t trying to ignore you.”

He stared at me thoughtfully for a long time. “You know, I’m beginning to understand you better as well as myself. When you’re left alone, you think too much and there’s no ‘stop’ button. And since you don’t share your thoughts, there’s no one to tell you differently.

“More importantly, you have a very unique way of thinking. It’s very creative. Very imaginative. Sometimes it’s far out of the box that the average person thinks in. You’re like the kid in school who makes people stop and think about a totally different aspect to the topic at hand because they had no hope of ever reaching that conclusion…even if that conclusion isn’t right.”

He bent close to me and kissed me softly on the lips. “You’re a little trouble maker,” he said softly. “But you’re so unique it’s as exciting as it is frustrating.”

I opened my mouth but he silenced me with that knowing smile and said, “It’s not a bad thing.”

I sighed, looking helplessly up at him.

“Sometimes I forget you’re such a creative thinker,” he smiled. “I shouldn’t get so mad at that. But you have to know that I would never cheat on you. I couldn’t cheat on anyone, no matter where my mind was at. That is one piece of selfishness I would never allow. And I want to explain everything I’ve learnt about myself to you in more depth but right now all I can think is how much I want to kiss you.”

He moved even closer. “And not just kiss you. Touch you. Taste you…” His words whispered by my ear was like magma trickling and dripping down my body—and then everything was heating up before I could stop it. He had riled me up so much downstairs that I had been seconds away from exploding… But now all that simmering energy was being displaced. It needed somewhere new to go. And suddenly it was no longer a mystery to me why Yunho’s fierce anger had slipped so quickly into laughter and then a step further into this intimate proximity where sensuous words seemed to reach out and run its fingers all over my body with just those few initial whispers of breath.

I caught his eye and suddenly I was thrust towards him. His hand touched between my legs, grasping the warm lump that had stirred in my pants some time ago. I barely had time to moan before he was unzipping them and letting them fall down my thighs. The material of my underwear was so thin and his jeans were so rough. He encouraged the rubbing as he kissed me fiercely but only for a moment. Then his hands were slipping down my back and catching the elastic of my underwear in its travels. My burning member was freed and I glanced down at it. The sight was shocking even to myself. When had it gotten so red and swollen?

Yunho kissed my throat and my head fell back. I caught a glimpse of light brown hair tickling my chin before my eyes slipped shut and my hardness twitched. That fuckable hair had fucked me over before I’d even had time to put my defences up and now I was nursing a throbbing hard-on. I wasn’t great with change—even over something as little as hair—but as always Yunho proved a different story. That handsome, funny, infuriating man…

Material moved past my head but still I didn’t open my eyes. I tried to will away what was left of my anger as teeth pulled on my nipple and sucked it. He was so good with his tongue. The suction was just right and the moans were coming faster and louder. It was a struggle to even hold onto my thoughts. What had I been… Anger. Yes—anger wasn’t an emotion that was welcome in our love-making; and that included the anger at myself for doubting him, for thinking he had been strong enough to delay the curse’s damage all this time only to fall so quickly after one man made him laugh. Did I really think so low of him—or so low of my own self worth?

A warm tongue ran across the slit of my erection and I gasped out loud just as my eyes flew open. It had all felt so good I had barely registered his journey down my body. Another gasp left my mouth at the sight of my source of pleasure. How could it possibly be this arousing to see my Yunho and his mouth covering my swollen penis. This Yunho with the light brown hair and the tongue that—

I moaned frantically. I was too weak to stop my hips from rolling forward and further into his mouth. I touched his hair, ran my hands through it in fascination and felt the lighter strands slide over my hand with the same softness. But that vision of trickling honey and its silken caress almost consumed me and it had to stop. I didn’t want to spurt so soon. I didn’t want it to end so quickly—with me stripped of all of my clothes and him so frustratingly covered in all of his.

I had to be strong. I had to stop thinking about his tongue and what it was doing. Where it was licking… No! Not helping!

I clenched my teeth and forced myself to look up at the ceiling. White and plain and boring. Inanimate and completely non-threatening. Not like those city men… With their fancy gyms and designer labels. My head fell down and I saw the top of his head bobbing at such a good pace…and oh god, yes! I was the only person this incredible man would be touching with his mouth in such an intimate space. He was with me and he had no interest in anyone else. He wasn’t going to leave me. And that knowledge with his tanned skin and long lashes so dark beneath those brown locks was just too much to bear. I was spilling everything into his mouth and—worst of all—I could not keep quiet.

I collapsed onto my knees and his arms slipped around my sweaty back to pull me into him for a hug.

“I’m not finished with you,” I breathed heavily even though that only made it harder for me to catch my breath.

“Neither am I,” he breathed back, biting the bottom of my ear.

“I’m still angry at you for scaring me tonight and avoiding me before that.”

Our lips met in a fierce kiss.

“How long are you staying this time?” I growled out before crashing my lips back down onto his.

“Three days.”

I sucked his bottom lip. “That’s enough time then.”


We broke apart and I pulled the shirt over his head and then pulled him against me. My hands slid down his broad shoulders and felt the warm, smooth skin laid bare for me. The muscles in his back were tight with tension. And how I loved the feeling of that power. It put my muscles to shame but gyms did not hold the same interest for me as they did for him. I brought my head close to his, trying not to pant from the anticipation of what was coming. His breath was hot and quick on my face too. Our bodies were pressed flush together and I could feel every sharp rise and fall of his chest, every uneven breath. His torso twitched forward into me as my hands ran down more of his skin, feeling the dip that led to the small of his back. His breathing was louder now and I wondered how close he was to panting. I wasn’t the only one anticipating things it seemed.

Our noses brushed and our lips found each other again for a nice kiss before we broke apart again, this time into pants. My hands slipped down from the small of his back and snuck under the waistband of his pants. I cupped his bottom and heard him hiss. Then hands were cupping my head and holding me into place so he could give me a deep, needy kiss. I loved feeling this desire from him. I loved the way his hands sought temporary ownership of my head and kept me close and secure.

Then his lips left mine and his hands slowly tipped my head back until my neck was bared for him. He kissed my skin carefully and occasionally stopped to suck on patches. My eyes slipped shut and I pressed my erection into the rough material of his jeans and started rubbing myself against the stitching. It was both painful and relieving but definitely arousing.

Yunho’s hands loosened their hold of my head as the man seemingly lost himself in the attention he was giving to my collarbone. All that kissing and not enough sharing…

I shifted away from his tongue to let myself slide down his body before he could stop me. My head dipped to lick his nipple and roll it around in my mouth. The body I held shuddered at the suction but I was too busy moving towards the next one to smile.

We had both grown more used to sex after all the times we had done it now, but these strong desires and the adventurous touching weren’t something we had ever seemed to have experienced at such a heightened scale. It was a force so consuming, there was no end in sight.

My lips made my way down his chest, feeling the slight dampness of his skin against my nose and the rise and dips of his abdomen as I travelled lower. I kissed around his bellybutton and over the short trail of hair that disappeared beneath his pant line. I glanced up at him from my crouched position and then stood up to my full height. He stared back at me and the in a moment of mutual understanding, he pulled me down onto the bed with him and I crawled on top of him.

My eyes were focused as I threaded my fingers into the folds of his jeans and plucked the buttons from their catches. The fabric split apart and I stared hungrily at the white underwear that was revealed beneath. Those were mine to take off.

My fingers curled around the top of his jeans and dragged both sides past his thighs and down the rest of his legs. As he moved to kick them off I watched the bulge in his underwear twitch. That was mine to see and taste.

With a glance up at him from down by his legs I found him watching me with serious eyes. Yes, this was serious. Our love was a very serious matter and no one was allowed to take that away from me. I glanced back down at his nearly naked body and pulled off the underwear that barely concealed his arousal. In my hands the white garment flew like a flag of surrender before I threw it aside.

Within seconds my mouth was tasting him. My eyes slipped shut as I cherished every vein, every hot inch of skin. I could hear him moaning and my eyes opened to watch him, to make sure reality matched my imagination. Bits of honey strands slipped down his forehead and rested over closed eyes with each gasp that escaped his mouth.

Yes, he could only gasp for me. It was my mouth sucking his penis and that was the only way it was allowed to be. This beautiful body of his—the honey skin, the bow lips, the hard abdomen, the strong back, the seductive waistline… No one was allowed to have it but me.

It wasn’t pleasant feeling so possessive but this man was incredible and he could have anyone he wanted. I’m sure many wanted him in return. He was hard to dislike with his shining eyes and bright smile and well looked after body. He was tall too compared to a lot of men in our country and that was just another attribute that made him desirable to a lot of people. Did I have the energy to keep those people away? The city was a big place and often I was stuck waiting for him to come to me. He did keep coming though. I could hardly dare to even imagine what it would feel like in a universe where he stopped coming for me…

I felt movement in my mouth and knew he was close to spilling his seed. I swallowed it carefully when it came. His semen was precious because it came from him. I had so little of him these days… I treasured ever layer of sweat, every moan— any part of him that proved he was real.

I moved up onto my elbows but was pulled forwards by strong arms in a momentum that almost made me lose my balance. Those hands slid over the back of my neck and held me in place as warm lips kissed me. His hold was strong, and with some tingles of warmth down my belly, I realised how much I liked that. He wouldn’t let me go—I was his.

And I liked who I was—I had to, I was all I had. But sometimes it was nice to know someone felt the same way too. I once was so inconsequential, so irrelevant, so unknown that people didn’t even bother to learn my name. And then I didn’t bother handing it out. I didn’t need a name. I was the Hermit. I was only interesting in the grotesque fairytale that people spun of me. It took someone special to notice I could be special too.

He kissed me again and I felt my chest tighten with fear. This man had my heart. It scared me—but it was his.

Gentle but determined hands flipped our positions and my back hit the mattress. I stared up at the man straddling me for as long as I could before my eyes lost the battle and slipped shut again as his fingers pushed through the ring of muscle that guarded my body. I cried out into his shoulder moments later as he took me. My toes curled up over the blankets. He was a passionate lover. It was impossible not to moan; his every movement inside me brought me pleasure.

We found our rhythm and he moved in deeper. This feeling—it was irreplaceable. To have someone know you so intimately; to have him inside your body and treat you with such care… This was a piece of magic that I could scarcely believe I had found.

Even after seed was spilt and bodies collapsed onto the mattress, the enchantment was still in place. Love held me in strong and safe arms. I could fall asleep and feel freedom from the horrors in my life.

This man who held me… I loved him with all my heart.



Edit: You guys are so fast! I forgot to disable comments for this part since it's only the first half of the chapter. You're awesome. XD

Date: 2012-05-08 09:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wild-terrain.livejournal.com
You must use the speed of light! You totally pawned my slow internet haha.

Date: 2012-05-08 08:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] smexplicit.livejournal.com
lol I was so excited when you updated that my ninjae speed became topnotch all of a sudden.

omg, I was tearing up when
YH started blabbering about the new guy. sniff
I was like more angst?? noooooo~~~!!!!
and then when YH explained, I went oh, old dude.

Gosh, this chapter is very lovely! okay on to the next one. wee ~

Date: 2012-05-11 07:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wild-terrain.livejournal.com
hahaha oh old dude XDD. Yun definitely could have chosen his words better but Jae's creative thinking needs to be tamed lols.


Date: 2012-05-08 09:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jhyjfan.livejournal.com
spot!...will read & cmnt later : )

Date: 2012-05-08 09:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wild-terrain.livejournal.com
So fast, gurrrlie. You beat my slow internet. At least you'll have both parts up now though. XD


Date: 2012-05-08 09:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] uw1m4.livejournal.com
an update ... ^.^

Date: 2012-05-08 09:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] uw1m4.livejournal.com
a beautiful chapter... i can't say anymore...

Date: 2012-05-08 09:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wild-terrain.livejournal.com
Awww, thank you so much for reading!

The second part is up now. You guys are too fast for my slow internet, haha.


Date: 2012-05-08 09:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] uw1m4.livejournal.com
i will read the continuation at home... hehehe
i was so happen been sweeping my email.... that's why i can find you update so fast... ^.^

Date: 2012-05-08 10:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yunho1205.livejournal.com

Date: 2012-05-08 07:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rainycakes.livejournal.com
Bahaha so fast~

OMG You scared me when Yunho was talking about his psychologist! I was like, "OH HELLZ NO! NO ONE PUTS JAE BABY IN THE CORNER!"


But omo~ The smutties~~ Smutties are so extra yummy and good when YunJae are in love and passionate~~ Kyaa!

And now I'm scared my comment on the next part is not going to be as nice. :O I was...well, let's just say 'warned' that the next part might not be so pleasant. Is that true? *cringes* I'm afraid to click for part two! No! You can't make me do it!

...*clicks part two* >.>

Date: 2012-05-11 07:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wild-terrain.livejournal.com
hahahaa yeh Yun could have chosen his words a little better! XDD Jae's imagination needs a chillpill though.

Smutties.... How can you make it sound so adorrrable?? I'm thinking of kittens instead of panthers. XD

Hmmmm, I wonder which little bird warned you LMAO. I'd say it isn't that bad but you've already read it and would know I am optimistic LMAO.


Date: 2012-05-08 02:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] doramaholic.livejournal.com
ngl, i almost teared up when jae heard abt yunho's new 'man'. so much angst.

Date: 2012-05-11 07:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wild-terrain.livejournal.com
Tsk tsk, Yun really should have chosen his words better... Though Jae's imagination needs to be tamed a bit too. ^^;;


Date: 2012-05-08 04:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] crimsonarcenon.livejournal.com
Onwards to part 2 kyahhh *hugs

Date: 2012-05-08 04:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] marslokaret.livejournal.com
and so, the cleaning was long lost gone xp

(btw, jae seem too innocent to specially when he prefer to use the word penis than cock) >.

Date: 2012-05-11 07:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wild-terrain.livejournal.com
LMAO who needs cleaning done? It's just a cafe, no one actually eats there or anything.... LOL jk.

Oh Jae is incredibly innocent still. Glad it came across in the wording. =D

Date: 2012-05-09 03:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] youinmyjumpsuit.livejournal.com
need to spot this and concentrate tomorrow night! XD
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